Randomn Eva Christmas
by Cab329
Summary: Christmas in Tokyo3, Eggnog, angels, mistletoe puke, KFC! Weird, maybe...give it a shot! Final part is up! Will Dingus accidently start third impact? Is Rei a criminal mastermind? Can Shinji save Christmas? I know it's past Christmas, but give it a shot!
1. Of eggnog and dead clones

A/N: I don't own Eva, Gainax, Santa, Christmas, or anything featured in the story. This is just some random evangelion bits with a Christmas theme and some loose things holding them together. Is it good? Uh………I plead the fifth.

Random Eva Christmas Twas the night before Christmas and all through the base 

_There were no smiles_

_Cept on Gendo's face_

_The pilots had worked been working hard_

_Without a bit of thanks_

_Not even a card_

_They'd been running synch tests_

_Without any rest_

_And Asuka was still claiming she was the best_

_When all of a sudden came a drunken yell_

_Twas Misato raising raising hell_

_As in most stories she was drunker than drunk_

_And her breath gave off a terrible funk_

_Which caused the NERV staff to make their heads sunk_

_Apparently her booze was gone_

_Switching her "Drunken tirade switch" to "on"_

_Without even a cry of "sup"_

"HYUGA! WOULD YOU SHUT THE FCK UP?" Misato screamed.

Sorry Misato I'm in the holiday mood 

_Ain't no reason for your bad attitude_

After beating the NERV technician to a pulp, Misato smoothed her clothes out and muttered, "terrible funk my ass."

This very odd moment was broken up by screams from the pilots.

"Help! I can't breath!" Shinji screamed, "there's something wrong with the LCL!"

"EWWWW…. this stuff is disgusting!" screamed Asuka.

"I believe I am dying." Rei said quite calmly.

"Quick! Drain the plugs and get the pilots out of there!" Ritsuko ordered. This wasn't right, Ritsuko thought. The pilots should be used to LCL by now, what could be causing this?

The pilots breathed a sigh of relief as they exited their plugs, well, except for Shinji, he had passed out from breathing in the strange substance.

The whole NERV staff, except for Gendo of course, surrounded the fallen pilot. Asuka looked at Shinji and thought, "Now's my chance, I can finally kiss Shinji the way I've always wanted to, and I can just say I'm giving him mouth-to-mouth resuscitation."

Six miutes later….

Shinji slowly regained his senses, he felt that he was naked, and someone was pressing their lips against his and breathing into him. He fantasized for a bit, hoping that it was Rei or, though there was no way in hell she would do it, Asuka. He opened his eyes, and was mortified when he saw that sub-commander Fyutski was the one who was breathing into him.

"AHHHHHH!" Shinji screamed as he pushed the sub-commander off of him. It was only then he realized that he was surrounded by the entire staff of NERV all who were snickering or, like Asuka, were mortified as well.

Let's rewind that about five minutes shall we?

"Pilot Sohryu, why are you making out with the third child?" Fyutski calmly enquired.

"WHAT? I would never even THINK of kissing this pervert, I'm just trying to save him with mouth-to-mouth resuscitation." Asuka replied with nervous sweat growing on her brow.

"Then why are you putting your tongue down his throat and moaning his name?"

"I would never do that!"

10 seconds earlier….

"OOOOOOOOH SHINJI!"

Fast-forward 10 seconds…

"In any case, that is NOT how to do mouth-to-mouth resuscitation. Now, who actually knows how to do it?" Fyutski asked. Seeing nobody reply, he continued asking, "oh come on! Where's the medical staff?"

"They left for the day." Said a random technician.

"What the…" Although perplexed as to why the medical staff of a place that was so accident-prone would leave early, Fyutski decided to just drop the subject. "So am I the only one who knows first aid?"

The crowd nodded.

"You owe me big Ikari." Fyutski muttered.

Under his bridged hands, Gendo smiled.

"Okay," Fyutski said, we need to get him out of this tight clothing so…."

Present time…

"AHHHHHH!" Shinji screamed.

"It's okay Shinji," Misato said, "We had to give you mouth-to-mouth and Fyutski was the only one who knew how."

Shinji then threw up for about an hour.

During that time…

"So Ritsuko, what was up with the plugs?" Misato asked as Shinji heaved up every spare bit of food.

"Yes," said the scientist, "apparently, the plugs became contaminated with eggnog, though I have no idea how it got mixed in with the LCL."

"Huh, wonder if it had anything to do with the barrels of it I threw into the main LCL pool."

"WHAT! YOU threw the eggnog into the pool?!" Ritsuko exclaimed, "that eggnog was meant for the Christmas party, and you threw it into the LCL?"

"I don't like the taste of it," Misato replied.

"So just because you don't like eggnog, you threw all 1500 GALLONS of it into the LCL?"

"Yep, it was non-alchoholic."

Ritsuko's mouth dropped. Her friend's ignorance and alcoholism could still surprise her. She sighed as she tried to comprehend how long it would take to remove the eggnog from the LCL.

"Well, Ritsy, I'm going to go and try to think of ways to further ruin Shinji and Asuka's lives. See ya!" Misato said as she walked away.

Ritsuko sighed and lit up a new cigarette. She felt sorry for Shinji and Asuka, living with Misato must be a never-ending hell. At least Rei did'nt live with her, that would be… "oh shit!" Ritsuko screamed, "the clones!" She hurried down past the eva graveyard and towards the tank. If Misato had dumped the nog into the main pool, then the clones would have been the first to…

To her dismay, the Rei clones were gasping as they breathed in the mixture of eggnog and LCL. As their faces turned blue she muttered, "Well, we can always make more."

After Shinji's vomiting ended………

"Here pilot Ikari," said Rei Ayanami, as she handed Shinji a change of clothes. "Misato said it would be best if you covered your "bits and pieces."

"I'm sorry Rei." Shinji said as he covered himself up.

"Goodbye." Rei said dismissively as she walked away

Shinji cried as he changed clothes, he had been completely humiliated today and he still had school tomorrow. In addition, he was pretty sure he wasn't getting anything from Misato or Asuka for Christmas. "Oh well, at least I can give them the presents I got them." Shinji thought, that is, right before he tripped and fell into his own pile of puke.

"My life sucks" He thought.

Meanwhile in Gendo's office….

Gendo smiled as he decorated the tree. "Everything is going according to my scenario" he chuckled.

A/N: Okay, not that funny, but I'll try to get it to pick up. Next up: "Of Christmas Cakes and KFC."


	2. of Christmas cakes and KFC

Author's note: Well, the drugs are still kicking, so here's part two. Yes, it's still short. Yes, I still don't own anything. And yes, I am violating the Starwind and Alucard treaty of 2003 by writing this story. In this episode, what does KFC have to do with Christmas? Actually, quite a bit!

Part 2: of Christmas cakes and KFC

Asuka and Shinji relaxed in the living room. Today had been a terribly embarrassing day for both of them, and all the way out of the base NERV employees reminded them about it. At least Misato had promised a nice Christmas Eve meal, which of course meant takeout, so Shinji wouldn't have to cook. The television was showing one of Shinji's favorites: "It's a Substandard Life," so he and Asuka were just vegging on the couch.

"So, third child, it looks like you can fall flat on your face just like the rest of us." Asuka said, trying to insinuate a fight.

"What do you mean by that?" Shinji said, knowing exactly what Asuka was trying to do.

"Oh like you don't know," replied a smirking Asuka. "Look at me, I'm Shinji, and I'm drowning!" she said in a terrible imitation of Shinji.

"Asuka, I could have DIED!" exclaimed Shinji.

"I bet you were just faking it because you wanted me to give you mouth-to-mouth." Asuka said, puckering her lips as she laughed.

"That's not it! I was honestly going to die from lack of oxygen, had commander Fyutski not helped me, I wouldn't be here right now!" Shinji said, getting quite frustrated.

"Oh, so you like older men, huh?" Asuka enquired with a devilish grin.

"What? That's not it at all, I, I, I, I'm going to go for a walk." Shinji stammered as he went to the door.

Asuka laughed loudly as Shinji closed the door. True, that had been very cruel, but it would give her time to accomplish her plan. She quickly got the hammer and nails from her room and nailed up the mistletoe she had bought earlier that day. She thought of how fun it would be when Shinji would open the door and she would be waiting for him, ready to give him the kiss of a lifetime. Ahhh…that boy would stay stuck in his room with a bloody nose for the rest of the holidays. Still, when he finally came out, she would be ready to tell him how she felt. Asuka sighed; this would be a Christmas to remember.

At that moment, a knock came from the door. Asuka smiled, Shinji was already back, probably to get his coat which she had hidden. Asuka rushed to the door, unlocked the door, and smashed her face right into Misato's breasts.

"Well Asuka, I never knew you rolled that way," giggled Misato. It was then she noticed the mistletoe. "Oh my, you were trying to get dirty with Shinji weren't you?"

"Uh, no, it wasn't anything like that!" Asuka stammered.

"Oh, so you really do like me, huh?" Misato teased, "Oh Asuka, you're such a dirty girl!"

"WHAT? Misato! Why are Japanese people so perverted? Besides, you're my guardian!" Asuka exclaimed.

"We're only perverted when we get little German girls like you come over here. By the way, if I wasn't your guardian would you give it a try?"

"Try what?" Asuka asked. Misato gave her a sexy wink. "Oh my god, NO! You're so immature for your age!"

"So if I was more mature you would?"

"NO!"

"Younger?"

"No Misato! You perverted drunk! I don't like women that way!"

"So if I was a male…"

"Now you're just being ridiculous." Asuka said, "I'm gonna go to my room."

"To do what?" Misato teased as she watched steam blow out of Asuka's ears. "Besides, I brought dinner."

Asuka looked at the bags in the purple-haired woman's hands and frowned. "A bucket of chicken? What kind of a meal is that? And why do you have a cake?"

"I'll have you know, you little red headed tease that this is Colonel Sander's Kentucky Fried Chicken! And this cake is a Christmas cake. Both are long standing traditional Christmas fare that is eaten by Americans and Japanese." Misato said informatively.

"They actually eat fast food fried chicken and store bought cakes for Christmas in America? I mean, they're weird there, but I don't think they do anything THAT weird in America." Asuka said.

"For someone who graduated from college, you're pretty ignorant." Misato said, patting Asuka on the head.

And for someone who graduated a long time ago, you're pretty immature. We Americans do not TYPICALLY eat KFC every Christmas, though we do eat Little Debbie Christmas tree cakes.

"Who said that?" Misato asked, looking around.

I did.

"Come out of hiding!"

Will you give me a drumstick?

Misato clutched the bucket defensively and said, "No! Only Pen-Pen and I get to eat the drumsticks!"

You feed your penguin chicken? That's…very disturbing.

"Not as disturbing as a talking disembodied voice."

Touché but…at least I'm not a day-old Christmas cake.

"YOU BASTARD! COME ON! BRING IT!" An enraged Misato yelled.

Completely confused at the conversation, Asuka set the table and prayed Shinji would come knock on the door.

Meanwhile….In Gendo's office

Gendo pulled the arsenic laced cookies out of his desk and set them next to a glass of milk. This year was going to be VERY different.

Author's note: In Japan, a popular Christmas eve, Christmas dinner, is to get some KFC. Seriously, if you don't believe me, go to Japan and try and get some Kentucky fried on Christmas Eve without reservations, I dare you. Also, I gave Misato an old school diss by calling her a day old Christmas cake. You see, the day after Christmas, all Christmas cakes are slashed down dramatically in price (By the way, all I know about Christmas cakes is that they have frosting, I have never personally partaken of one). So, it used to be a diss to call a woman who was getting up in her late twenties-early thirties and wasn't married because it meant they were past their prime, and needed to lower their "price." Next up: Part 3: of part time employment and retarded angels.


	3. of part time and retard angels

Author's note: Well, I'm happy with the hits this story is getting, now if only I can get this done by Christmas. This chapter poses the question, what do the NERV employees (other than Gendo and Ritsuko) do in their spare time? And what if Kaworu had a very Stupid clone/brother? Also, expect to see more chaos at the Katsuragi residence AND CROSSOVERS UP THE YING YANG.

Part 3: part time jobs and retarded angels

Shinji wandered through the festive streets of Tokyo-3. Why couldn't anybody be nice to him? He cooked, he cleaned, and he saved the world from giant monsters, so why would nobody cut him a break? It was then he realized that he had forgotten his coat back at the apartment and it was beginning to get cold. Although there had been no snow since Second Impact, the cold winds of winter still came every year, making Shinji even more miserable tonight. He considered heading back, but the idea of having to put up with Asuka's abuse for the rest of the night was'nt very appealing, so he decided to head into the one place that he felt would accept him, the mall.

The Traverse Mall had only recently opened and was one of Shinji's favorite places to go. It had all kinds of shops that catered to all kinds of people. Today it was especially packed, and, as Shinji walked, he saw many interesting faces.

BEGIN COUNTING CROSSOVERS

At the Dunkin Doughnuts, there was a tall man with a red coat, pierced ears, and blond hair that was straight up purchasing a few dozen doughnuts. At the sporting goods store, there was an extremely fat acorn headed boy who was purchasing American football equipment. Next to him was a demonic looking boy who kept goading him on with a machine gun and calling him "damn fatty." In the main corridor of the mall, there were two people, both with large swords arguing.

"I say you stole my look," said a man with short, spiky, jet-black hair with a small streak of white and dressed in black armor.

"I say my look is completely original" said a man with a similar hairstyle (a bit more white though) sunglasses, and a red coat, "besides, my arm is just in a sling, not a prosthetic monstrosity like yours!"

This prompted the two men to start swinging their massive swords, so Shinji quickly hopped into a retail store where two beautiful women, one with blonde hair and one with blue, were looking at jewelry.

"Chikane-chan, are you sure I can pick any necklace I want?" Asked the blond.

"Of course Himeko." Replied the blue haired woman, "I want to give you something for our first Christmas as a couple." She then pulled the blonde-haired woman, Himeko, into a deep embrace and planted a kiss on her lips. "I love you Himeko."

Feeling quite awkward, Shinji moved onto another part of the store. As he walked, he heard an interesting conversation from the candy aisles.

"They have gummy worms, gummy bears, gummi soldiers, and gummi fruit, but I don't see any gummi blocks Goofy."

"Well, garsh Sora, I guess we're stranded!"

Even more weirded out, Shinji continued onto the fabric section, were he noticed the familiar face of the NERV technician, Maya Ibuki.

"Hey Maya!" Shinji called out, "I didn't know you worked here!"

"Hello Shinji!" she replied, "I've been doing this as a part time job to have some extra spending money." Maya explained as a customer came up. "Oh, hello sir, how can I help you today?"

The customer just smiled a big toothy smile that showed off his long canines. He was wearing a long red coat, yellow sunglasses, a very wide red hat, black shirt, black pants, black shoes, and white gloves with strange markings on them. He also had long black hair and red eyes. All in all, he was extremely creepy and sexy at the same time.

After about a minute of just standing there with his big toothy grin, he finally said, "It's a beautiful night, the kind that makes me want to suck blood."

"Is he coming on to me?" Maya thought before asking, "Can I help you sir?"

The very strange man suddenly shook his head like he was coming out of a daze and replied, "sorry about that, my name is Alucard, and I was wondering if my order of red cloth had come in."

"Let's see," said Maya, "oh, here it is, three bolts of blood red cloth for a Mr. Alucard." Maya lifted the large amount of red cloth onto the counter. "So how will you be paying for this?"

As Alucard pulled out a credit card from the pocket of his coat, a voice exclaimed, "So you're the bastard who bought all the cloth!"

Looking behind him, Alucard saw a small, teenage boy, in a torn red coat, black suit, and a blode ponytail. Behind him was a giant man in a suit of armor.

"I'm sure the scraps from when I finish my new wardrobe will be more than enough for you." Said Alucard with a toothy grin.

The little pony tailed boy got extremely angry at the comment and exclaimed, "ARE YOU SAYING I'M SO SHORT THAT I COULD LIVE IN A HOUSE MADE OF THE SCRAPS OF CLOTH YOU HAVE LEFTOVER? I DARE YOU TO COME OVER HERE AND SAY THAT, YOU LONGED-TOOTHED FREAK!"

"He didn't say that brother!" Said the giant armored man who was now holding him back.

Alucard started to walk towards the two brothers, when suddenly a large bayonet pierced his chest.

"And the wolf shall walk amongst the sheep, till the shepard knocks him aside, AMEN!!!" Said a smiling blonde, unshaven, glasses wearing, priest who was carrying two huge bayonets.

Alucard smiled, pulled two massive handguns out of his coat, and charged at the priest.

"Um," said Maya, "is someone going to buy this cloth or not?"

"Hello, My name's Vincent, is that fine red cloth for sale?"

Poor Maya. Well, let's see what is going on at the Katsuragi residence.

Asuka sat at the table, quite sad. Maybe Shinji had been pushed too far this time. She then silently prayed, "God, I promise, I will never bully or tease anyone, if you will make Shinji come home." After ten minutes of no knock on the door, she prayed again, saying, "Buddha…"

Meanwhile, in the Men's room of NERV…

Fyutski finished putting on his makeup and lipstick. He then put on the wig and the pink kimono. He admired himself in the mirror, he was looking very feminine. He only hoped that none of the other employees of NERV saw him looking like this. Unfortunately, at that moment, who should appear but Kaji.

"Excuse me miss," said Kaji, "this is the men's room, though the showers can be co-ed if you'd care to join me."

"Kaji, what are you doing here so late?" Fyutski said, "I thought your shift ended hours ago."

Kaji's eyes opened wide. "Professor Fyutski? Umm…this is awkward."

"Kaji, I've told you to not call me Professor, and it's not what you think."

"Sure, sure, I'm…just going to go out and throw up about something completely unrelated to your dressing in drag." Said Kaji as he exited the bathroom.

Fyutski sighed, "Does'nt anyone know how to recognize a Kabuki actor anymore?"

Meanwhile, at the Katsuragi residence…

KNOCK KNOCK

"Hail Satan!" Asuka screamed as she ran to the door. She flung it open and locked her lips against Shinji's. She moaned slightly as the kiss went on and ran her tongue alongside the inside of his mouth. She then pulled Shinji in close, wanting to feel the warmth of his body, and noticed something strange. She had noticed that Shinji seemed to have rather large breasts for a boy.

"Wow, Asuka, I thought you didn't like girls that way!" Misato exclaimed.

Asuka opened her eyes for the first time since she opened the door. What greeted her vision was not her wimpy Shinji, but a very startled and confused Rei. Asuka released Rei immediately and started to retch. Rei, meanwhile, was still standing in the doorway, her amber eyes open as wide as possible, her mouth trying to form coherent words. Misato guided the stunned Rei into the apartment and had her sit down on the couch.

"Where are you Shinji?" Asuka wept.

Meanwhile, a little outside of the mall…

Shinji was hunched over gasping for breath, what the hell were those people? After Alucard and the Priest had started fighting, another man, Vincent, had tried to buy the cloth, but then a man with long silver hair and a huge thin sword (not to mention a snazzy theme song) appeared, which caused him to forget about purchasing the red cloth and instead transform into a terrifying monster! Then, the kid with the blonde ponytail, who introduced himself as Edward Elric, freed himself from his brother and tried to purchase the cloth, but was batted aside by the red robed swordsman from earlier. The swordsman, Auron, then was knocked over by a kid in an orange jumpsuit who kept screaming, "Believe it!" Then, the doughnut loving man from the food court tried to buy the cloth, but Edward backhanded him, causing him to drop the glazed delicacies he had just bought, which made him go berserk and pull out a gun. It was at this point that Shinji decided to drop his mantra of "I mustn't run away, I mustn't run away" and haul ass out of the mall.

But now what was he to do? He still didn't feel like going home, but it was really getting cold. He pondered about what he should do, and decided to walk a bit farther. As he walked on, he saw another familiar face behind the counter of a small store.

"Hey Hyuga!" Shinji cried out as he entered.

"Hey, Shinji! How's it going? Aren't you a little young to be coming here?" Hyuga asked nervously.

"What do you mean Hyuga?" Shinji asked innocently.

"Uh, Shinji, this is a condom store." Said the spectacled NERV technician.

"Huh?" Asked the surprised youth.

"It even says so on the entrance."

Shinji looked at the door, indeed, there was a sign with a dancing condom mascot that said, "CONDOMMANIA, the world's best selection of condoms."

This discovery caused a long period of awkward silence to follow.

Meanwhile, in the basement of SEELE…

"Hey, Kaworu."

"What is it Dingus?"

"When is the tooth fairy coming to hide the eggs?"

"I think you mean, "When is Santa Claus coming to bring the presents?" and to answer your question, he isn't coming as he is merely a fictional character created by the lilim to give their children comfort and to have an excuse to buy things."

"Oh, I hope he brings me a pony."

"Did you not here what I just said? He does NOT EXIST, therefore, he can not give you a pony or give me what I want."

"What do you want?"

"Well, a new violin would be nice, since you smashed my old one against the television when you watched a "A Nightmare on Elm Street. A new tv would be good too, since you broke that as well."

"But the man with the claw was going to hurt the girl!"

"How many times do I have to explain this to you? That whole thing was a fictional story and I doubt smashing my violin against the television would have changed the plot."

"Oh, is there anything else you want for Christmas?"

"Well, more fan-fictions about me that have me coupled with a girl would be nice."

Wait a minute, how does Kaworu know he's in fan-fictions?

"I know everything Cab329."

Okay, this is breaking the fourth wall here.

"Indeed, but at least it's more interesting than your stories, I mean, come on, a Freddy Krueger Crossover? What's up with that? And the one story you've been planning, can anyone say MARY SUE?"

That hurt.

"Not as much as soreness someone gets on their eyes when they see you in public."

That's going too far.

"No, your waistline is the only thing that's going too far."

I'm going to get you. By the way, where did Dingus go?

Kaworu looked around, "hey, where did he go?"

I thought you knew everything.

"Shut up."

Meanwhile, at the Katsuragi residence…

"So you see Rei, Asuka was just upholding a holiday tradition when she kissed you, though normally it's just a quick peck." Explained Misato to the still stunned Rei, "here have a biscuit."

Author's note: that is probably the longest I have written in over a month! But I have to stop writing for a bit. By the way, don't be scared to review, I've gotten like 400 hits and only 2 reviews.

Part 4 trailer:

Who will win the battle for the red cloth?

Who is Hyuga's normal clientele?

Will Asuka get to kiss Shinji?

Where did Dingus go?

What the hell does Dingus look like?

Is Rei scarred for life?

What is Gendo planning?

What does Aoba do in his spare time?

WHO CARES?

FIND OUT IN PART 4

OF SANTA AND CHAW

Coming out: tomorrow! (unless I die, or are made obsolete).


	4. of Santa and chaw

Author's Note: Hooray! Over 500 hits in a mere three days! This is the best Christmas present ever! However, please review! I'm going on my own direction here, so I need to be told what's good, what's bad, and all that. Okay enough bitching. At the end of last chapter, Shinji was in a condom store run by Hyuga, Asuka had kissed Rei by accident, a battle royale was taking place in the store that Maya worked at over some red cloth, and Kaworu and I got into a fight while his stupid brother/clone Dingus ran off. Without further ado, here's part 4.

PART 4: of Santa and Chaw

"So, Shinji," said Hyuga, trying to break up the awkward silence, "why are you in this part of town?"

Shinji shook himself. "Well, Asuka was picking on me, so I decided to take a walk, but I had forgotten my coat and didn't want to go back, so I headed into the Traverse Mall to warm up. But it was filled with all these weirdoes that wanted red cloth, and they started pulling out guns, bayonets, swords, huge ass keys, and other weapons and started to fight it out, so I ran for it and ended up here."

Deciding to disregard the second half of what Shinji said as a fabrication of the fourteen-year-old's warped psyche, Hyuga asked, "Shinji, why do you think Asuka picks on you?"

"I don't know." Replied Shinji.

"It's because she knows you won't fight back, because you have no backbone when it comes to women." Hyuga said.

"That's not true!" Shinji protested, his face getting red.

"Then how come you do all the chores at your house?"

"Because I lost at janken! Wait, how did you know about that?" asked Shinji.

"Misato was bragging about how she had a personal slave who would do anything she asked." Hyuga said matter-of-factly. "By the way, how did you lose to her? She only wins when we tell her what we're going to throw down."

"She said that that was how you played janken! Wait, she actually told everybody that I was her personal slave?" If Shinji had had any doubts about Misato being the worse guardian ever, they were gone now.

"Yeah, she said you would do anything she or Asuka asked, even if it was completely stupid or cruel."

"That's not true!" Shinji protested.

"Okay," replied Hyuga, "by the way, Misato left a message for you." He then handed Shinji a note.

The note read:

_Dear Shinji:_

_Asuka and I are bored and want to be entertained, so strip butt-naked, paint a smiley face on your belly with a magic marker, and run all the way home screaming "I have a small dick, and I'm proud of it!"_

_Love your caring guardian,_

_Misato_

_P.S. If the cops take you in for indecent exposure, I'm not bailing you out or sending section two to get you out, so if you do, just be the bitch of the toughest guy there and the others ought to leave you alone._

_P.S.S. If you make it home, Asuka promises to only knee you in the nuts twice for being a pervert._

Shinji immediately started to undress.

"Uh, Shinji? I wrote that note like just one minute ago."

Embarrassed, Shinji put his clothes back on. "Well," Shinji started, "I was just playing along."

"Suuuuuuuuuuuuuuuure." Hyuga said, "But what about all those other times Misato left you notes? Like the time she had you wear your SDAT player in the entry plug and get shocked? Or the time she had you dress up like a dog and bite the head section two agent's leg? Or the time she had you pilot blindfolded during a live munitions test? Or how about the time she had you come to the press conference wearing nothing but your birthday suit? Or how about….

One hour later….

And of course, who can forget the time she made you believe that the only way to get something out of the vending machines was to sing "Stairway to heaven" while grabbing Ritsuko's breasts and patting Maya's fanny? And of course, since the note told you that she wanted a coke, you did it.

"Why are you telling me this?" asked a crying Shinji.

"Well, Shinji, I have a confession to make. Over half of those notes were actually from the NERV staff. Hell, Rei wrote 58 of them."

"Why are they so cruel?" Shinji asked.

"Because Misato said they could, and Rei has a surprising cruel streak."

Suddenly, the phone by Hyuga's desk rang.

"Hello?"

"Godzilla is attacking the city? I'll be right there."

Hyuga then hung up the phone. "Sorry Shinji," he said, "I have to go." As he exited the store, he threw Shinji a package saying, "Merry Christmas."

Shinji looked at the package and read its label, which said: "CANDY CANE STRIPPED AND FLAVORED CONDOMS Extra-small"

Shinji cried as he too went out into the streets.

Meanwhile, at Gendo's office…

Gendo looked at his newly decorated office, wreaths, garter, and tinsel adorned the entire room. In the corner stood a giant Christmas tree, all decked out with glass ornaments and electric lights. Gendo smiled, this year he would get Santa Claus back for all the years he didn't bring him gifts, and if the well-furnished room didn't bring him, the completely innocent Rei-clones sure as hell would, for everyone knows that Santa Claus HAS to give presents to good little children, even if they were created from a giant dough-woman angel, bits of dead wife DNA, and the secret ingredient in Coca-Cola.

"Dr. Akagi, please send five of the clones up to my office dressed in the Victorian style pajamas I ordered." Gendo said over the P.A. system.

Inside the Clone tank room…

"Shit!" exclaimed Ritsuko, "only four of the clones survived exposure to the eggnog, where the hell am I going to get a fifth?"

Quickly, the doctor went to the clone making part of the room and found there was enough material to make one more clone. Well, almost enough, they had run out of X-17, the secret ingredient of Coca-Cola. She looked all around the room for something to use as a replacement, but the only thing she could find was a can of Jolt Cola. Not seeing any other option, the flustered doctor poured the can's contents into the machine, and pushed the "make a clone button."

Meanwhile, at the Katsuragi Residence…

"Damn!" exclaimed Misato, "so close!"

What Misato had yelled about was the fact that the pea she had thrown had missed Rei's mouth and had smacked her amber eyes instead. Since Asuka had locked herself in her room and was crying, Misato had only the still-stunned-with-her-mouth-open Rei, so she had been playing "try and throw a pea in Rei's mouth."

"Damn! Missed again!"

Misato, please stop throwing peas at Rei.

"Quiet disembodied voice that wants my drumstick!" Yelled Misato, "you're making me miss! Damn! So close!"

You do know that these children are probably going to be screwed up for the rest of their lives, right?"

"Don't know, Don't care."

I'm going to get you if you don't stop.

"Bring it!"

Well maybe I-

KNOCK KNOCK KNOCK

"SHINJI!" Yelled Asuka as she burst out of her room and ran to the door. She was extremely elated, third time was the charm after all! She pulled the door open and gave a deep kiss to her secret love. Unfortunately, the mouth of the other party spat a small ball of a very bad tasting substance into her mouth. She then turned around and spat the object on the floor, revealing it to be…

"OH MY GOD, CHAW?" thought Asuka. Indeed, what Asuka had spat upon the floor was a ball of chewing tobacco; Skoal brand to be specific, but Shinji didn't chew, so whose Skoal was…

"Asuka, how could you?" said a tearful Hikari, "I thought we were friends! How could you kiss Suzuhara?"

And standing in the doorway was a shaking and stammering Toji, who was saying, "Started chewing, more m-mature, h-h-hh-hh"

WHAM!

Out of shock, and a blow to the back of the head, courtesy of Hikari, Toji hit the floor harder than a bag of bricks.

Having come to the realization that she had held the chewed up Skoal of Toji in her mouth, Asuka proceeded to vomit.

Author's note: Okay, I know I didn't do everything I said I would in this chapter, but I'm tired, and I didn't have much time to type today. Still, I promise to answer all the questions I didn't answer, plus a few more, like, what will the Rei who was made with Jolt look like? Happy Christmas Eve everyone!

Next up: of Dingus and Godzilla!

PLEASE REVIEW!


	5. of Dingus and Godzilla

Author's note: Wow, I'm really surprised, the number of hits on this story has gone way up! Okay, enough bragging. I need to get at least two more pieces up to finish this story, and I need it done by tonight (so I'm not writing a Christmas fic after Christmas, it's a personal challenge for me). Anyway, please review! And now…

PART 5: of Dingus and Godzilla

Inside a war torn retail store…

The battle for the red cloth had ended. It's victor stood up to his full four feet of height. He dragged himself through the piles of bodies and destroyed displays to reach the fabric counter, the only thing that still stood in the store. His auto-mail arm was in pieces, his brother was shattered, but none of that mattered now, the red cloth would be his. He could have Winry make him a new arm, and then he could fix his brother, but all that mattered now was that he got the red cloth so he could fix his cloak. Thus, Edward Elric, who had survived all the giant summons, big guns, swords, bayonets, spells, keys, shields, and angel arms, raised himself up and spoke to the girl behind the counter of the fabric area.

"So, how much is the cloth anyway?" Edward asked.

"Who said that?" asked Maya. After scanning the store unsuccessfully for five minutes, Maya looked down and saw the worn out pony-tailed midget. "Oh! I didn't see you down there."

"WHAT DO YOU MEAN BY THAT YOU…you know what? I don't care. May I have the cloth?" Edward said.

"I'm sorry sir, but a big albino came in here and took the cloth ten minutes ago. Anyway, It's closing time, so you'll just have to wait for us to restock." Maya explained, "have a merry Christmas!"

Ed, and whoever was able to move after the battle, collapsed and started writhing in agony. Maya stepped over the bodies and headed out, humming "jingle bells."

Meanwhile…on a Tokyo 3 street….

Dingus admired his new red suit. Keele had always looked upon him as a failed product, but had to admit that his super speed sewing was a sight to behold. Dingus smiled as he thought of how happy the woman in the fabric section had been when he had taken the cloth, in fact, she had been very eager to get it off of her hands.

Dingus stopped in front of a mirror store and admired himself. He was very much like his brother/original, Kaworu, just about a foot taller, kind of plump, messed up teeth (from when Keele threw him in a pit of mad donkeys), a blue glass eye (don't ask, I would have to raise the rating, and it would give you nightmares), a long scar on his right cheek (Keele took him to the zoo to play with the tigers), and dyed black hair. Okay, he really didn't look anything like Kaworu, other than the pale skin.

"Hmmm," he thought, "where am I?"

Oh, and in case you haven't figured it out, he was not the sharpest tool in the shed. Of course a very inebriated Keele, who had mixed in some very odd ingredients, had cloned him. The result had been a idiot clone who could neither hold the soul of Adam or pilot one of the massed produced evas, in other words, a complete dud, who's only talents were super fast sewing, being able to crawl around in chimneys, and being VERY hard for Keele to kill.

"Let's see," thought Dingus, "I came to do something." He pondered on the topic for 20 minutes, then thought, "I remember! Kaworu wanted-hey! What's that?" He said as he saw what looked like a well in the distance.

"I wonder where it goes?" he thought as he jumped down it and fell for over 200 meters.

Meanwhile, in Gendo's office…

The trap was set. The poisoned cookies and milk were on his desk, the room was brightly decorated in the Christmas manner, and the clones were asleep under the Christmas trees, well, except for one, who just wouldn't shut up.

"Hey poppa Gendo! Read me a story! Is Santa really coming? What will I get? Do you think he'll get me a teddy bear? Oh, I really like teddy bears! I especially like the really big ones, but not so big that they could crush me. Oh! Are those cookies? Can I have one? Can I? Can I? Huh? Huh? Huh?" The clone asked.

Gendo sighed, Ritsuko had said that there was nothing wrong with the clones, but this one was greatly upsetting him. For one thing, she didn't look that much like the other clones. Although she had pale skin and red eyes, she had bright pink hair, big ears, and a permanent smile.

"So can I have a cookie?" asked the energetic clone.

"No," said Gendo, "the cookies are for Santa, who will be coming down that chimney any minute."

Gendo pointed to the fireplace on the right wall of the office. True, constructing a chimney that went all the way from his office to the surface had cost quite a bit, enough to bankrupt a small country, but everything had to be perfect for Santa.

"Is he here yet?"

"No."

"Is he here yet?"

"No."

"Is he here yet?"

"No."

"Is he here yet?"

"No!"

"Is he here yet?"

"NO!" Gendo screamed, "He's not here yet!"

"Can I have a cookie?"

"Sure." Gendo said. Hell, what did it matter if he killed another clone? He usually went clone hunting every Sunday, so one more wouldn't hurt.

The clone picked up a cookie and was about to bite into it, when all of a sudden; something large that was dressed in red hit the bottom of the fireplace.

Meanwhile…on the surface of Tokyo 3…

Shinji was very sad, cold, and lonely. He was wishing he had just stayed home. Tonight wasn't going any better than today, and he just wanted to go back to the place where he was at least tolerated and go to sleep. He walked a bit farther, and realized something. He was lost. None of the buildings looked familiar, and it was very dark. Shinji saw a bank with its lights still on though, so he decided to see if someone there would help him.

As he reached the bank, Shinji saw a man wearing a ski mask and black clothes, carrying a blue duffle bag run out of it, waving a gun. The man pulled his ski mask off revealing a young man that Shinji knew very well.

"Hey Aoba!" Shinji cried out, "What are you doing here?"

"Shinji, is that you?" Aoba asked, "This isn't what it looks like! I was just making a withdrawal and they gave me the gun, black clothes, ski mask, and duffel bag filled with stacks of 10000-yen bills as gifts for being the 100th customer! Why are you out here anyway?"

"Well, Asuka was picking on me, so I took a walk, but now I'm lost and I don't know how to get back home."

Sirens sounded in the distance.

Aoba started sweating and said, "Shinji, how about I drive you back to your place? It wouldn't be out of my way, and it would make up for that time I left you a note that said that you were supposed to test out the effects of peeing in the LCL."

"THAT WAS YOU?" Shinji exclaimed. He couldn't believe that there were so many people who played pranks on him. Still, he did need a ride home. "Sure."

So Shinji and Aoba got in a van with tinted windows and no plates, and started driving towards his apartment. Shinji had to admit that Aoba was a better driver than Misato, as he was only going 80 kilometers per hour over the speed limit. The drive was going smoothly, until they got to the downtown area, and saw a hello kitty mascot dancing on the street.

"HELLO KITTY? I HATE HELLO KITTY!" Growled Aoba, "Shinji, grab the wheel!" And with that, Aoba picked up his gun and fired at the dancing mascot, wounding it in the shoulder and right leg. "YEAH!" Aoba yelled before grabbing the wheel back from a startled Shinji, "Take that you damn cat!"

Meanwhile…back at the Katsuragi apartment…

"And so you see, Asuka has been declared a nymphomaniac by NERV's psychologist, and that's why she kissed Toji!" Misato explained, "you should have seen what she was doing with Rei before you got here!" Misato continued, pointing to Rei, whose mouth was still hanging wide open.

"I had no idea! And I thought Asuka was normal, I'll be sure to tell everyone at school." Hikari said.

"IT'S ALL LIES HIKARI! DON'T LISTEN TO HER!" Screamed Asuka. "She's just trying to make my life a living hell! You're my friend, you know I would never lie to you!" Well, at least she would have yelled that, had Misato not gagged her and tied her to a chair, so it really came out as, "MMMMMMMMMMFMFMFMFMFMFMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMFFMFMFMMFMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMM."

"Who wants some chicken?" Asked Misato, "Pen-Pen, come get your drumstick!"

The hot spring loving penguin jumped out of his refrigerator and hurried to Misato's side, where he was given a chicken leg, which he quickly devoured.

Oh my god Misato, this whole scene is wrong on so many levels. Untie Asuka and stop feeding Pen-Pen chicken!

"Quiet, disembodied voice!"

Meanwhile, at the shore of Tokyo 3

Godzilla sent a fiery beam of destruction that ripped through all the missile turrets that had been firing upon it, it walked straight through the power lines and smashed tanks with it's huge feet.

The Mayor looked at the monster in horror. Where was Hyuga? Maybe he should of just called NERV to deal with Godzilla, true, he wasn't an angel, but they needed fire power that the JSSDF just didn't have. Suddenly, the sound of a helicopter was heard overhead.

Hyuga had finally arrived! Attached to the helicopter by a carrying strap was the one thing that would make Godzilla stop. A box of monster-sized condoms! Godzilla stopped and took the box of condoms and then deposited a large pile of gold on the carrying strap. Godzilla then turned around and headed back, condoms in hand, into the sea.

As Hyuga piloted his helicopter back, his cell phone went off. He picked it up and answered.

"Hello?"

"Ah, Mr. Hawking, how are you?"

"Yes, we do have Salmon flavored condoms."

"I can have them over there in about five minutes."

"You and Aisha have a good time, hear?"

Meanwhile, in the Tokyo 3 hospital…

"Okay, what do we got?"

"Patient was shot twice, injuries sustained in the left shoulder and right leg."

Kaji moaned in pain as he was wheeled into the operating room. "That's the last time I take a job as a mascot."

Author's note: Well, I'm happy with how this chapter turned out. Only problem is that there's still a lot to go, and today is Christmas. I might be a little late with finishing this, oh well. Please review!

Next up: Part 6: Of payback and kissing

When? Today, hopefully.


	6. of Payback and Kissing

Author's note: Hooray! The end is in sight! But will I finish before the end of the day? In any case, please review; this is the longest story I have written (pretty sad actually) so I need to know how you like it. I am very grateful though for the reviews I have gotten and everyone who has read this. Well, on with the story!

PART 6: of Payback and Kissing

"You know Shinji, you can't let people walk over you your whole life. I mean, don't you have any self-respect?" Aoba asked as he pulled up to the curb in front of Shinji's apartment complex.

"But I don't want people to dislike me for being mean." Shinji said.

"Shinji, be honest with yourself, do you really think people like you for being a spineless wimp?"

Shinji started to cry.

"Sorry bout that," Said Aoba, "what I meant to say is that people will like and treat you better, if you just stand up for yourself."

"But I don't know how."

Aoba sighed, "Look, go up to your apartment, knock on the door, and as soon as it opens I want you to yell: "Misato, Asuka, you've treated me like crap, and it's going to stop right now!"

"Okay." Shinji said, "I'll do it!"

"Great!" Said Aoba as Shinji got out, "and Shinji?"

"Yes?" Asked a smiling and confident Shinji.

"If you tell anyone that I robbed that bank or shot Hello Kitty, I'll cut your balls off, throw them in a blender, and make a smoothie out of them. Merry Christmas!"

Shinji's skin turned pale and his eyes widened as Aoba drove off humming "jingle bells."

Meanwhile, at the Katsuragi residence…

"Shouldn't we give Asuka something to eat?" Hikari asked, looking at her tied up friend who was struggling against the ropes that bound her.

"Oh don't be silly Hikari," said Misato as she drank her 40th beer of the day, "she's perfectly fine. Besides, Rei and Toji aren't worrying, so why should you?" She said, indicating the non-moving mouth-open-in-surprise Rei, and Toji, who was still twitching like a madman and mumbling incoherent words.

"Well I guess your right." Hikari replied.

KNOCK KNOCK KNOCK

With a Herculean effort, Asuka ripped her bindings off, pulled her gag off, stood up and said, "Hikari! I can't believe you believed this snake's lies! I'm not a nymphomaniac! And Misato, when I get done making out with Shinji, We're going to the police and have us taken away from you!" Asuka then ran to the door, flung it open, and leapt into the arms of…well, actually, there was no one there, so she fell and her face smashed into the pavement.

"Wow that was the best ding-dong-ditch ever!" cried Kensuke, "I got you good didn't I? Uh, Asuka?"

Asuka turned her face towards Kensuke. She had broken her nose, so blood freely poured from it. Her eyes were red and blood shot from all the crying she had done. Her face was also scratched up from hitting the pavement so small cuts populated her face. And, just to complete the picture, bits of puke still hung to her face. She then closed her eyes and passed out.

"OH MY GOD! I KILLED ASUKA!" Kensuke screamed. He then jumped over the railing and fell for quite a while, luckily, a truck full of fresh manure ("oh, a new fan fiction by you?" Shut up, Kaworu.) broke his fall.

Meanwhile, in Gendo's office…

Gendo smiled as the figure in red got up and out of the fireplace. Finally, Santa had come. True, he had never heard of Santa being an albino with black hair, a blue glass eye, and no beard, but it had to be him; who else could have survived a fall down that chimney?

Dingus got up, and looked around, "Where am I?" the clone thought.

"IT'S SANTA! IT'S SANTA!" Screamed the pink-haired Rei clone as she ran over and gave him a hug.

"SANTA?" Exclaimed Dingus as he hugged the big-eared girl back, "Where is he?"

"Silly! You're Santa! Are you trying to play a trick? Cause I like tricks! Not the mean, prank types, though those can be fun, but like jokes and magic tricks! Oh! Can you do magic? Like pull a rabbit out of your hat? Hey where is your hat? You must be really cold. I know, you need some cocoa! Oh, but we don't have any cocoa…

Dingus didn't reply right away. The knowledge that he was Santa Claus was quite a lot to wrap his small mind around. Still, if he was Santa, then shouldn't he have a hat, reindeer, a sleigh, and a bag full of toys? But this girl did have two red eyes like Kaworu, and Kaworu was smart, therefore, according to his version of logic, the girl was smart and knew what she was taking about. Therefore, he was Santa and he should start acting like it. Though, he had one very important question before he started doing his job.

"Are you an elf?" Dingus asked.

The pink-haired clone smiled and said, "Well, I do have big ears and funny colored hair, so I guess I am! OH! Does that mean I get to go to your workshop and make toys, and wash the reindeer, and drink cocoa? Oh, but do I still get a present? Wait, where's your bag? Oh no! Was I bad? I tried to be good but I was just born an hour ago, and I put on these pajamas even though I wanted to just go without." She started to cry.

Dingus started to cry too, he was Santa Claus, but he didn't know how to make the presents appear! He wished he could just snap his fingers and make a present, course he couldn't even snap his fingers, but it was worth a try, right? So, Dingus put his thumb against his fingers and quickly moved it. Like magic, his fingers snapped, and a teddy bear that was three feet tall fell on the pink haired girl.

"Oh, it's just what I wanted! Thank you!" The girl said and then gave him a hug.

Gendo watched with amazement as Dingus moved over to the other clones and snapped his fingers over them. However, instead of presents falling, the clones were covered in colorful outfits and jumped up and started to dance and sing! Had he just given them souls? If he did, who knew what else he could do? Gendo then decided to get rid of his feelings of hatred for Santa and use this as an opportunity to get Yui back.

"Excuse me, Santa, can I have a present?" Gendo slyly asked.

Dingus snapped his fingers and immediately a bag of coal smacked Gendo on the forehead.

"OH! Looks like Poppa Gendo was naughty! Hey Poppa Gendo, we're going to go with Santa and be elves at his workshop!"

"How will we get out of here?" Dingus asked, "I can climb chimneys just fine, but what about you?"

The pink haired clone giggled and spread an AT Field that held Dingus and the clones, and floated up with them. They broke through all the levels of NERV headquarters, and then the geo-front, and finally the surface.

Dingus was amazed, this girl could fly just like his brother! And she was really cute! Dingus asked the pink haired girl "What's your name?"

"OH! Well, I don't know actually, I mean, I was just born an hour ago, and the doctor with the fake blond hair didn't tell me. Hmmmm….OH! I KNOW! You can call me Lilly!" said the smiling pink-haired, big-eared clone. "Now let's go get your reindeer!"

Back at Gendo's office:

Gendo knocked the bag of coal off of him. He probably should have seen that coming, but it was worth a shot.

"Well," he thought as he spied some cookies, "at least I tried." He then chowed down on the cookies and washed them down with a glass of milk. "WAIT A MINUTE! THOSE COOKIES WERE…" and the poison took effect.

Meanwhile, at the Katsuragi apartment…

Asuka was completely depressed. Shinji hadn't come home, Hikari and Toji, who had just came to, still believed Misato was telling the truth about Asuka being a nymphomaniac (even though they had seen Misato drink two whole cases), Rei was still not speaking, even though she had gotten over the shock some time ago, and Misato was still trying to find further ways to embarrass her. Asuka sat down in her room and cried; this was not the Christmas she had imagined. She looked at the present she had gotten Shinji and wondered if he would ever come home.

KNOCK KNOCK KNOCK

"Shinji?" Asuka said weakly as she hobbled to her room's door and pulled it open, she started towards the apartment's entrance. She hoped she didn't look too bad, she had wanted this to be perfect, but she was going to kiss Shinji, even if she died trying. She then looked ahead and saw Rei heading for the door. Well, maybe it was for the best. There had been so many false alarms today, it would be best if Rei answered; at least she wouldn't make such a scene, even if it was Shinji. Rei opened the door.

"Misato, Asuka I…Rei? What are…" Shinji said as Rei smashed her mouth against his. She then jumped up and wrapped her legs around him. Within mere moments, Shinji's mouth said hello to the blue-haired albino's probing tongue. Although he couldn't believe that Rei was doing this, Shinji just succumbed to the pleasure and fell backwards onto the pavement. After about two minutes of being under Rei and making out, Rei got up and looked back at Asuka with a smirk. She then tossed Shinji his wallet, saying, "you forgot this at headquarters." And then walked off.

"Damn Rei! That's how you do it!" Misato yelled out after her.

Asuka collapsed and started weeping.

Meanwhile, in Kaworu and Dingus's pad…

So, Kaworu, what do you think of this story?

"This is the most predictable piece of garbage I have ever heard. It was obvious that Rei was going to kiss Shinji, it was obvious that Dingus and Lilly were going to come in and take the clones, and it was obvious that Gendo was going to eat the poisoned cookies. I bet that next…

KLONK. A piece of the ceiling smacked the seventeenth angel on the head.

"Hey Kaworu! Guess what? I'm Santa Claus! Do you know where I can find some reindeer?" Dingus said as he floated down with Lilly and the other clones.

Kaworu put his hand on the back of his head and rubbed his head. He had obviously not seen that coming.

"Oh shut up fatty," he muttered. To his brother/clone, he said, "Dingus! Who are all they?"

"They're my elves! And this is Lilly," he said, indicating the pink-haired beauty who was holding a teddy bear."

The whole lot of them landed a few feet away, and all the clones, with the exception of Lilly who decided to stand by Dingus, ran over to Kaworu and started to hug him.

"Wow," said Kaworu, "This feeeeels gooooood!"

"OH! Your brother is so cute! He looks like angel! OH! I KNOW! Let's give him wings and a halo, that would be so cool! OH! Wait, don't forget to give him his presents!" Lilly said while tugging on Dingus's arms.

Dingus snapped his fingers and Kaworu hit the deck, expecting something to fall down and smash him. Instead, a giant plasma screen and a 1787 Stradivarius (don't ask, it just was) appeared next to him on the ground. Kaworu looked at his gifts and cried tears of joy. He had never expected such great gifts, especially from his brother/clone who he loved to death but usually teased or ridiculed. He walked over to his brother and hugged him. Although Dingus had no idea as to why Kaworu was crying, he patted him on the back and smiled.

"OH! You won't believe it! I found some reindeer! And they're really big, and white, and OH! We should get them antlers! They're right over there!" Lilly said, pointing her finger towards something.

All eyes in the room followed the finger to see the giant, red lipped, white bodied, smiling, Mass Produced Evas.

Author's note: Hooray! Just one more chapter to go! Will Asuka kiss Shinji? Or has our hero gotten ultra-white fever? Will Dingus accidentally trigger third impact? Is Gendo dead? What did Shinji get Asuka and vice a versa? Will Misato be punished for her treatment of Asuka and Shinji? PLEASE REVIEW! The 1000 hits is really encouraging, but a few reviews would be really awesome!

Next up: Part 7: of Conclusions and Justice


	7. of Conclusions and justice

Author's note: This is the end! This is the final chapter to the story, so hold on to your hats! When I started this on Thursday, I had no idea that this was going to be so long, or that it was going to get so many hits! I REALLY NEED REVIEWS, SO IF YOU READ THIS PLEASE REVIEW! Well, enough of my bellyaching, let's end this!

Part 7: of Conclusions and Justice

"Ha, ha!" Misato laughed in a drunken manner, "You were up the whole night, trying to kiss Shinji, and Rei beat you to it and out did you in every way! That's really pathetic Asuka!" Misato laughed a while longer, then passed out.

Asuka cried and headed into the sanctuary of her room. Christmas was ruined. Rei had given Shinji a far better kiss than even she had planned and Shinji had obviously enjoyed it quite a bit from the pig-in-shit look on his dazed face. This was supposed to be her night with Shinji, not that blue-haired snake! She pulled her covers over her head and wished for the night to end.

Outside on the pavement…

"Wow," Shinji thought, "that was amazing."

Indeed, Rei's kissing was simply amazing. True, Shinji had kissed Asuka before, but this was amazing! He couldn't believe how much energy and passion Rei had put into it, she had been like a wild animal, and, in that moment, was the hottest she had ever been. He blushed as he got up and picked up his wallet. Rei was so nice! He had to admit that this Christmas was starting to improve quite a bit. In fact, he felt that once he took Aoba's advice and told off Asuka and Misato, this was going to be quite the fun holiday. He then got up, marched through the doorway, and with a newfound confidence that he had never before possessed, he yelled:

"Misato, Asuka, you've treated me like crap and I'm not going to take it anymore!"

Unfortunately, the only response that this received was a loud snore from Misato, and a renewed sound of weeping from Asuka's room followed by a slap from Hikari.

"How can you be so mean, Shinji? Asuka was waiting the whole night for you to come back, and now she's even crying in her room because of all that's happened!" Hikari said. She then explained all the happenings of the night, minus the whole "letting Misato tie Asuka up and starve her while believing that Asuka was a nymphomaniac" bit. She then left with a "merry Christmas" and pulled a grinning Toji, who gave the thumbs up to Shinji as he was dragged out.

Although Shinji would normally try and just block out others and their problems, Asuka was crying because of him, so he walked softly to her door and slid it open. He saw Asuka huddled up under her covers, and walked over to her.

"What are you doing third child? Something perverted I bet." Asuka said half heartedly, "I'm not crying because of you (sob) I'm crying because I made a fool of myself."

Shinji contemplated just leaving her alone, like Misato did whenever one of them had a problem, but felt guided to sit on the side of her bed.

"Hikari told me what happened, she said that you were waiting the whole night for me." Shinji said, "So why were you waiting? Did it have anything to do with the mistletoe that was hung on the doorway?" He asked, knowing all well what Asuka had planned from what Hikari had told him.

"You think I wanted to kiss YOU?" Asuka asked angrily, "Just because you're one of the few people that see me for more than my piloting skills and good looks and just because you reached in and saved me when I was about to be lost in the lava forever, you think I would want to kiss YOU?" Realizing that she had just given the reasons for why she felt like she did, she immediately shut up.

Shinji then pulled the covers off of Asuka and wrapped his arm around her waist and pulled her up, so she was sitting next to him. Asuka then turned her face away from him, but still let his arm encircle her waist.

"Asuka, is there something you want to tell me?"

Asuka suddenly reached out and grabbed a package off the floor. Then, without turning to face Shinji, she handed him the package, saying, "here Shinji, Merry Christmas."

Shinji held the package in his hands, it was small, but he hadn't expected any presents, let alone from Asuka! He delicately unwrapped the present, and said, "Uh…Asuka?"

Asuka looked around, she knew Shinji probably wouldn't understand the gift but…wait a sec…what the hell? Shinji was holding up a pair of her panties! Asuka immediately opened her mouth in shock and snatched them away. She considered slapping Shinji, until she noticed a note attached to them.

_Dear Shinji,_

_I took Asuka's present, and hawked it at the pawnshop for beer money. I_ _think she won't mind, as she's so hot for you. In fact, I bet if you got her a little tipsy she'd put out._

_The amazing gift-giver,_

_Misato_

Asuka's face, which was already red from crying, turned into a fiery red blaze of anger, she couldn't believe Misato would do such a thing! And she had put so much thought and money into the present!

Shinji then ran to his room and came back with his present for Asuka. They both looked nervously as they opened the package to find…some whiskey filled chocolates. Asuka's eyes opened in surprise; did Shinji not know that she couldn't stand alcohol?

Shinji immediately protested saying, "Asuka, I swear, this present was meant for Misato!"

They then noticed another note:

_Dear Asuka,_

_I don't think you would have liked the gift Shinji got you, so I took it. Besides, all Germans like drinking and chocolate, right?_

_The amazing gift-giver, _

_Misato_

_P.S. Shinji, these will get Asuka tipsy in no time. Have fun!_

_P.S.S. I'm the one who ordered the condom from Hyuga to give to you._

Shinji growled, that present was extremely hard to get, and he had put a lot of thought into it! Misato was the worst guardian on the planet! He sighed; he should have known nothing was ever going to go his way.

"So what was your present Shinji?" asked Asuka.

"I knew that you liked the trip to the hot springs we took, so I found a local spa that had one and got you the a day pass there with all the pampering they offered."

Asuka smiled to herself, that was exactly what she had wanted for Christmas!

"So what did you get me?" Shinji asked.

Asuka blushed, "Well, I got you a…that is to say, I mean, you don't have to like it, well, guess it doesn't matter since Misato took it, but," Asuka took a deep breath, "I got you a heart shaped gold locket with a picture of the two of us inside from when we were practicing to fight that one angel, and it says on the other side, "This is my heart, take good care of it." Asuka then said, "Shinji, there is something I want to tell you, I lo-she then turned away, but Shinji pulled her back.

"Asuka, I feel the same way," Shinji said. He then pulled her in close for a kiss, but Asuka stopped him.

"Shinji, I look hideous don't I?" Asuka said. Indeed, she was not looking her best. She had a black eye and multiple scrapes and cuts from when she smashed into the pavement, not to mention her broken nose. Her eyes were still red and bloodshot from all of her crying, her hair was all messed up, and her breath still hadn't got the smell of puke out yet.

Shinji realized that no matter how he answered this question, he wouldn't come out smelling like a bed of roses, but then he got an idea.

"You're only as hideous as you think I am." Shinji said.

The idea worked perfectly, as it threw Asuka off her guard, and didn't allow a quick comeback. Shinji then pulled her in close again and Asuka pulled him in close, they could feel the heat from their bodies and their cool breaths as they brought their lips together…well, they would have brought their lips together, had it not been for the sound of a gun firing, which really ruined the moment.

"Piñata, Piñata, Piñata!" screamed Misato as she ran around the house, extremely drunk, firing her gun.

Meanwhile, at the MP eva hangar…

"Dingus, what do you think Keele would say about this?" Kaworu asked, as he watched Dingus and Lilly put reins and antlers on the Mass-produced Evas.

"Dingus, why did I ever think it was smart to drink five bottles of Jack Daniels and then do some cloning?" Dingus answered.

Kaworu thought for a sec. "Okay, besides that."

"Have you been eating your lead paint chips?"

"Besides that."

"Try and catch the bullets I fire with your head?"

"Besides that."

"The giant Evas are not toys?"

"Exactly, those things are being saved for a special occasion."

"More special than Christmas?" Asked Dingus with a sad look on his face. Lilly and the Rei clones also looked at him with equally sad expressions on their faces.

"Yes, more special than…" Kaworu thought for a second, why the hell should he care what Keele wanted? He had locked him and Dingus in this basement and only took them out when he wanted to try and kill Dingus or have Kaworu meet with the council. And the plan that Keele had, seemed to not work unless he, Kaworu, died. Plus, his brother found something that he was good at, so who was he to stand in his way? Plus the clones were pretty hot.

"You know what Dingus? You're right, those will make fine reindeer!" Kaworu said and then built a sled out of a couch, their beds, and a bookcase (duct tape, is there anything it can't do?). He fastened the Evas to the sleigh and sat down in the back of the "sleigh" where he received many hugs from the Rei clones, which made Kaworu lose any regard he once had for Keele or his plan.

Dingus smiled and sat with Lilly in the front of the sleigh, grabbed the reins, and, with assistance from Kaworu's ability to control Evas without souls and Lilly and Kaworu's combined AT field stabilizing the sleigh, he made the evas take off and fly.

Meanwhile, in Gendo's office…

Ritsuko had heard an explosion some time ago, but she had ignored it, thinking that Gendo was probably just hunting clones again. The sight that she saw however was quite surprising. The office was wrecked, all the decorations had fallen, and there was a huge hole in the ceiling that she could even see the surface through. She ran over to Gendo to find an even more disturbing sight. He was smiling and seemed very happy! Amazingly, the bag of coal and arsenic laced cookies and milk had destroyed the brain tumor that had been developing for the last 15 years! Now, his nicer side had reappeared.

"Ritsuko, I'm so sorry I used you and everyone else for all this time." Gendo said, "Had I only thought about how much my actions were causing pain! I abandoned my son, put souls inside machines, and murdered people, all just to get my wife back! And I hurt Rei, and Asuka, and you! I'm sorry Ritsuko, but I'm going to try and become a better person. For one thing, I'm going to accept that Yui is dead and needs to pass on. And Ritsuko, I want our relationship to be more than just a "I'm bored let's (censored)" I want us to start going steady, I want to meet your parents, oh, whoops, sorry about that, but I want to be with you."

Ritsuko was shocked, but tears of happiness fell from her eyes. She had always hoped to hear those words, but had never expected them to come from Gendo, (even though she was (censored) the (censored) out of him every night). She ran over to Gendo and pulled him into a tight embrace.

Meanwhile, in Keele's office…

Keele watched the monitor, how could Kaworu do this to him? He had created him in a lab, locked him in a cozy basement, and all he had wanted him to do was be a martyr. It must be Dingus! Yes, that must be it! That idiot was always causing trouble, and this was no different. Well, he would put a stop to this! He pressed the button to have the MP Evas initiate third impact (ruining the scenario, but with the cat out of the bag, it did'nt matter), but to no effect. Kaworu's controlling ability must be greater than he had thought. Keele sighed, it would take a miracle (or disaster in this case) to make Kaworu lose control of the Evas.

Meanwhile, in Gendo's office…

Gendo broke the embrace. "First things first!" he pulled off his right glove, revealing the Adam embryo, "I'm going to make it so nobody can start Third Impact!" and with that, he stabbed his right hand with the letter opener from his desk.

"Worst…death…ever!" said the embryo as it curled up and died.

Throughout the Earth and space, all the Angels descended from Adam screamed out in pain. Especially including…

"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH" Kaworu screamed.

"What's wrong Kaworu?" a concerned Dingus asked, "do you need to go to the bathroom?"

The pain ripped through Kaworu's body, it felt like every pain receptor was firing at once! This could only mean that something had happened to Adam's body! But if that was what was happening, then that meant that his powers were going to leave, but if his powers left…

"OH! Look what the reindeer are doing! Bad Reindeer, stop ripping off your reins! If you stop, We'll give you some oats! Oh wait, we don't have any oats! Um, would you like some carrots? Yum, I love carrots, well I think I do, I've only been alive a few hours, so I haven't eaten them yet, but I think they're really good! Hey! Where did you get those huge weapons? Reindeers shouldn't have weapons!" Lilly said as the white Evas broke free of their reins and pulled out their giant swords.

All the occupants of the sleigh, who were now being held up by Lilly's AT field alone, gazed in fear at the smiling winged evas as they flew up even higher and pulled their swords back. Then, without warning, one of the Evas flung their sword at the sleigh.

"Don't worry," Lilly said after seeing how terrified everyone was, "I can stop this, no problem."

And for a moment, it appeared the AT field would hold out as the sword smashed into it. That is, until the sword changed shape into a two-pronged spear and flew straight through the field! Luckily, it missed the sleigh and it's occupants, though not by much (Kaworu got an unexpected hair cut), and flew through the other side of the field. Unforunately, the shock of having her AT field broken caused Lilly to pass out and fall into Dingus' arms.

As the sleigh hung in the air, Kaworu, who had just gotten over the shock of losing his powers, made an interesting observation. "Wait," he said, "If Lilly is passed out, and I can no longer spread my own soul out, what's keeping us from falling?"

Dingus, the clones, and Kaworu came to the conclusion at the same time. Their eyes got wide open, and they all screamed as the sleigh went crashing towards the ground below.

Meanwhile, in Gendo's office…

"Warning, unidentified objects are flying towards Tokyo-3!"

Gendo and Ritsuko watched as a monitor flared up. On the screen were nine giant, white, red-lipped, black winged, smiling monstrosities flying towards them.

"And Keele complains when we screw up the scenario." Gendo mused. "Ritsuko, get Shinji, Rei, and Asuka here immediately!"

Ritsuko quickly pressed the "angel alarm" button, and started making calls.

"Why do the evas have huge plastic antlers on their heads?" wondered Gendo.

Meanwhile, at the Katsuragi residence…

"Piñata, Piñata, Piñata!" screamed a drunk Misato as she fired her gun. She had been keeping this up for some time without any sign of stopping, how she had managed to not kill any of the other members of the household was a miracle in itself. Luckily, she had only wandered into her room, shinji's room, and the kitchen.

"Shouldn't she have run out of bullets by now?" Asuka asked as she huddled next to Shinji in the corner of her room.

"She hides clips all over the house, though she'll probably run out in a couple of hours." Shinji whispered.

"We might be dead in a few hours!" Asuka retorted.

Suddenly, the phone went off and was picked up and answered by Misato.

"Hi Ritsy!"

"I'm not, I'm not drunk! I only drank a case or two."

"I don't know where Shinji and Asuka are. Do you?"

"An angel, on Christmas? You need to not joke around so much Ritsuko. You need to be more serious like me! Now I have to go get a Piñata that's running around my house."

With that, Misato shot the phone and continued searching for the "Piñata."

An angel? Shinji and Asuka looked at each other. If this was true, they needed to hurry and get to NERV! But how were they going to get past a gun-wielding Misato? As if things were'nt bad enough, Asuka's door was being slid open!

"Pinata?" said Misato as she pulled the door open, her gun at the ready.

Shinji covered Asuka as best as he could with his body and said, "Asuka I've always lo-huh?"

Misato had disappeared!

"Get off of me pervert!" said Asuka as she kicked the boy off of her.

Shinji sighed, he should have known it was to good to be true. Asuka must have just been teasing him before.

"There will be plenty of time for that after we beat the angel." Asuka finished with a sexy wink. She then pulled Shinji in and gave him a quick kiss. She then dashed out the door smiling.

Shinji stood there for a second, amazed with his luck, and then followed after her.

Meanwhile…in the airspace above Tokyo-3…

"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!" yelled Dingus, Kaworu, and the clones as they plummeted towards the ground. At this height, they would be smashed into paste when they hit the ground.

"Dingus, quick! Snap your fingers!" Kaworu yelled.

"Kaworu! You already got your presents!" Dingus protested.

"Just do it!"

Dingus snapped his fingers, and all kinds of things fell out. There were stuffed animals, televisions, videogame consoles, card games, action figures, SDAT players, CDs, DVDs, and many other things, but nothing that would save them from splatting against the ground when they hit. Kaworu started laughing hysterically, he was finally in a story where he had four hot Rei clones hanging on him, and he was going to die, this was absolutely not fair! And what about Dingus? The lovable oaf just wanted to be Santa Claus, was that such a crime? Tears started forming in the former angel's eyes; it was over.

"Oh, is that you Santa?" Lilly asked weakly, "You know, me and the other elves haven't eaten yet, could you make us something? Something sweet would be nice. Oh! I know…"She said as she passed out again.

The other clones rubbed their tummies in agreement. Kaworu continued his maniacal laughter, of all the times to think of food!

Dingus snapped his fingers, however, nothing fell out. Kaworu closed his eyes and silently prayed to be reincarnated as something nice.

SPROING!

Kaworu felt himself hit something and bounce up. He then felt himself hit the surface again and this time land softly. He opened his eyes. He and everyone else were surrounded by a white landscape, with small, multi-colored hedges. He stood up and saw that the land ended after a little bit. He then grabbed some of the white ground up and tasted it. It was frosting! He went to the edge and looked down and then jumped back, they were on a gigantic cake! By his measurement, it was about six hundred feet tall and had a diameter of three hundred feet!

Kaworu started laughing, this was incredible, Lilly and the clones had wanted cake, and they got a gigantic cake that saved them from destruction! He continued laughing until a handful of frosting smacked him in the face. He looked over and watched the unnamed clones, who were dressed in elf costumes, throwing frosting. He laughed and then threw some frosting that hit one of the clone's cheeks. The clone scraped some off and tasted it. After she showed delight at the taste, another clone came over and licked it off her cheek. Kaworu started stuttering, and then collapsed with his first anime/manga nosebleed.

"Lilly, are you okay?" Dingus asked, his eye full of tears. Lilly had to be all right, she was the head elf, she couldn't be hurt, or worse!

"OH! Wow! This is incredible! You're amazing Santa!" She got up and hugged Dingus tightly, "This is so amazing! OH! What happened to your eye?" She asked.

Dingus thought for a second, he could see out of his left eye, so what could she be talking about? Then, he reached towards his right eye and found only an empty socket! The shock from landing must have knocked it free. He frantically looked around with his one good eye, but to no avail.

"OH! Santa, let me help!" Lilly said as she walked up to him and placed her hand on the right half of his face and then stepped in close and kissed him. As their lips were locked, Lilly's big ears wiggled, making them seem as though they were flapping.

When Dingus finally opened his eyes from the pink haired beauty breaking the kiss, he found a surprise, he could see again! He poked at his right eye and screamed in pain and delight; it really was there! He then looked down at Lilly, who was holding him tight. He placed his arms around her and smiled. This was a really good Christmas.

"Oh! Santa! Could you get me some new clothes? The others got them back at Poppa Gendo's, but I could really use some! I mean they don't have to be that fancy, but this shirt is really getting dirty!" Lilly said.

Dingus snapped his fingers, and a red set of elf clothes appeared. Unlike the other clones though, it appeared not on her body, but a few feet away. Without warning, Lilly threw off the long shirt she had been wearing, her only article of clothing, and walked over and dressed in her new attire.

"OH! This is so beautiful, don't you think so Santa?" Lilly said as she turned around.

Dingus did not reply however. He had passed out from his own anime/manga nosebleed.

"Merry Christmas…Dingus." Lilly whispered.

A little earlier, at Rei's apartment…

"It went just like you said boss. The guards were all gone for the day, the surveillance was off, and only one teller was there." Aoba said.

"Well, of course it did. Did you doubt me?" asked Rei as she smoothed the wrinkles out of the black dress she had put on.

"Of course not." Aoba answered nervously, "I mean, I was just surprised that you of all people would be the one to hatch such a scheme!"

"Technician Aoba, what do you mean?" Rei asked in the emotionless voice that most people knew her to have. Rei then snorted, laughed, and then changed to a more lively voice. "Do you really think I could have worked with such an interesting group of people for all these years without picking up some skills? It was child's play to hack into the bank's employee files and check shifts and stop the security system using the magi. And with those obstacles out of the way, any idiot could have cleaned the place out." Seeing the hurt expression on Aoba's face, she added, "no offence."

"None taken," Aoba said, "but I mean, you seemed like such a nice person, albeit unemotional, not the type who would plan a bank robbery!"

Rei turned around and faced Aoba with a smirk. "I am a nice person, Aoba. I specifically picked that bank because I knew that all of its clients had amounts that didn't exceed the amount that would be replaced if stolen. Also, the money will be replaced by Thursday, days before the credit card bills come out. So no harm will happen to anybody. Now," Rei said, tracing an S on Aoba's chest, "How about we split that money and go our separate ways?"

"You know boss, about that, I was thinking…"

"Now Aoba," Rei interrupted, "that hurts, we've known each other for quite some time, I'd like to think we could go by a first name basis."

"Oh sorry boss-I mean Rei," Aoba said nervously, "it's just I was thinking, since I did all the dirty work and took the risks, I should," he paused, taking a deep breath, "get a bigger cut."

Rei's smirk faded into a frown. "Risks? Risks? I went to the Major's house so section two would follow me instead of keeping tabs on you! Do you know how horrid that was? As soon as I open the door, the second child sexually assaults me, leaving me stunned for the next few hours, in which I had biscuits shoved in my mouth and peas thrown at my face by a certain purple-haired bitch!" Noticing Aoba's pig-in-shit look on his face, she knocked him down, grabbed his gun and shoved it against his forehead. "I pray to GOD you weren't picturing what I think you were picturing! By the way, who was it that couldn't keep their hatred for a certain cartoon cat under control and almost screwed up the plan? Not to mention, forgot to tie up the teller so they couldn't hit the alarm?" Noticing Aoba's puzzled look, she added, "Wondering how I knew about that? The security system wasn't actually turned off; I just erased the bank's copy and kept one for myself. That's right Aoba, I have enough evidence to send you straight to a 9x10 with a large cellmate named Juan who's looking for a longed hair pretty boy like you to be his bitch!"

Aoba started sweating like mad, this girl was the devil! And was it just his imagination, or were there flames dancing in her eyes and a forked tongue licking her lips?

Rei stepped back and grabbed the duffle bag full of cash while still keeping the gun aimed at Aoba's head. "Now, Aoba be a good boy and turn around while I divide the money into what I think is fair."

Aoba turned to face the wall.

"Good boy, now, I'm in the holiday mood, so sing "Jingle bells."

Aoba started trembling, "Dashing through the the s-now in a…"

"Louder!" Rei ordered, "Unless you'd like your brains to be splattered all over the room. And try to sound more cheerful, it's Christmas Eve after all!"

"Dashing through the snow, in a one horse open sleigh, over the fields we go," Aoba sang with tears streaming down his face.

A few minutes later…

"Oh what fun it is to ride, in a one, horse, o-pen sleigh!" Aoba finished.

"Very good Aoba!" Rei said as she put the gun to the back of the terrified man's skull, "now turn around, slowly."

Aoba did as he was told. His face was covered with tears and snot.

"Aoba," said Rei as she gave a seductive smile, "you know, your kind of cute when your terrified like this." She then pulled Aoba's head down to her level, the gun still pointed against the left side of his head, and gave him a deep kiss that lasted a few minutes. She then pulled back, saying, "Ah, no tongue? That's too bad, might have been more fun, not bad though."

She then shoved a duffle bag into his hands. "There's your cut, now leave."

Aoba quickly ran for the door.

"Aoba, aren't you forgetting something?" Rei asked as he put his hand on the doorknob.

Aoba turned back. To his horror, she had his gun aimed directly at him. Without warning however, Rei tossed it to him. Aoba caught the gun and without a moment's hesitation, ran out the door, there was no way in hell he would mess with that psychotic albino, even if he did have a gun.

A few miles of frenzied running later…

Aoba decided it was time to open the duffle bag. He had worked hard, of course, so she wouldn't have screwed him over that much, right? That's what the weight in the bag suggested at least. Unless (gulp) it was a bomb. Aoba unzipped the bag, inside was LOADS of cash. Also inside the bag was a note from Rei.

_Dear Aoba,_

_I took what you said into consideration. You were right. Only twenty percent of the haul was a pretty crappy amount to pay you after all your dutiful service. So I decided to raise it a little bit, to 45 to be exact. Have a Merry Christmas!_

_Your lovely boss,_

_Rei Ayanami_

_P.S. I included an additional 5000 yen, get yourself some new clothes, I think you soiled and pissed your pants._

Back at Rei's apartment…

Rei smiled. With the money she had made off of the heist, she would be set for life! Once the angels were beat, she could go wherever she wanted, and if Gendo still wanted to use her to bring his wife back, well…she had ways of remedying that. Ahhh…it would only be a matter of time now! She started to picture it, a nice beach side home with a view of the ocean, palm trees swaying on a white sand beach. As she started to wonder if it was possible for her to get a tan, there was a knock on the door. Rei quickly shoved the duffle bag full of money under her bed and opened the door.

"Hey Ayanami!" said her classmate, Kensuke Aida.

"Oh, good evening Aida." Rei said in the voice most people knew her for, "why are you here?"

"Oh, well, uh Rei, I was just wondering if you'd like to go with me to the tree lighting downtown." The combat-nerd said while nervously rubbing the back of his head.

Rei paused for a second, had Kensuke just asked her out? Since when did the little geek have some balls? She paused again before she answered, "Why would you want to do that?"

"Well Rei, I have to admit that since you joined our class last year, I've taken an interest in you, but since you were always so distant, I never had the courage to come up and ask you out. But, after I almost fell to my death and landed in a truck full of manure, I realized that if I died right now, I would regret never having asked you out."

"So that was the smell." Rei thought. She was about to dismiss him with an "if I am ordered to, I will," but had a change of heart. He had come all this way, and it would be rude, though admittedly fun, if she were to simply cast him out. Besides, he was kind of cute in a nerdy sort of way, and this confession of love was simply adorable.

"It would be…nice…to go with you" She replied.

Kensuke's eyes lit up. "Oh thank you Rei! Uh, pick you up in two hours?"

"Leaving so soon?" Rei asked, her voice starting to change to her "business" tone.

"Well yeah, I have to go change, I mean, I'd hate to embarrass you by smelling like this."

"Oh, don't worry about that." Rei said as she pulled the boy into her apartment, "I can wash those for you."

Kensuke started to get nervous, since when was Rei so forceful? "Well I'd hate for you to go to all the trouble, especially since your dressed so nice."

"Dressed nice?"

"Well yeah, I mean that your dress really makes you look good."

Rei smiled, she normally was never complimented about her looks, except by the Yakuza who tried to stay on her good side, it was nice to hear it for real.

"Oh, that reminds me," Kensuke said, pulling a small, gift-wrapped package out, "I got this for you."

Rei took the package and opened it. Inside was a small, gold necklace. She immediately strung it around her neck and admired how it looked in the mirror. Though it was plain, it went well with her dress and looked quite nice around her neck.

"How did you afford this?"

"I got a part time job."

Rei was impressed, getting a job could mean expulsion from most schools; he had taken quite a risk.

"This is a very nice gift Kensuke," said Rei in her real voice as she started to unbutton his shirt, "I insist you let me wash your clothes."

Kensuke started sweating, was this really Rei? "But Rei, if you washed my clothes, I wouldn't have anything to wear and I would be…"

"Naked." Finished Rei in her mind, "Which is sounding pretty damn good!" Kensuke had played his cards right, though very sloppy, and Rei had been wanting some loving for a long time. She was about to rip the shirt right off the startled boy, but the phone rang. Rei sighed, walked over and answered it.

"Hello?"

"Dr. Akagi?"

"I understand. I'll be there as soon as I can."

She hung up the phone. Of all the times for something to attack the city!

"I'm sorry Aida," Rei said in her public voice, "I have to go to head quarters."

Kensuke sighed (though he was glad the phone call had ended the awkward moment before Rei had stripped him). "It's okay Rei, maybe some other time."

Rei grabbed her ID off of her nightstand and silently walked towards the door. That is, until a light bulb went off in her head.

"Hey Kensuke," Rei said in her real voice, "You know how you always say you wish you could be an eva pilot?"

"Yeah, what about it?"

Rei suddenly grabbed Kensuke's arm and dragged him behind her.

Later, at NERV…

Ritsuko slapped her head in disbelief. Most of the NERV staff was gone and wouldn't answer their phones, and those that were down here were mostly drunk due to finding Misato's secret stash. As if it wasn't bad enough, they had taken control of the PA system and were letting their true feelings out.

"That Misato is a fine piece of ass."

"Yeah, but she knows the whole Hepatitis alphabet. What about that Dr. Akagi?"

"Oh yeah, I would totally tap that. Just grab that ass and give her system an update!"

"Men." Ritsuko muttered as she loaded the handgun she kept in the inside of her lab coat, there was going to be quite a few Christmas bonuses that wouldn't be cashed this year.

"Who's bright idea was it to not turn the escalator on?" panted Asuka as she dragged herself into the briefing room, "That is a long damn staircase to go down."

A few minutes later, Shinji entered the briefing room and collapsed.

A few minutes later, Rei entered, dragging a scraped up Kensuke behind her.

"Well wonder-girl! Looks like you can get a man without stealing him from someone else!" Asuka said, noticing Kensuke.

"And it looks like you can get one too, provided they're softened up for you." Rei coolly replied.

"Blue haired bitch!"

"Red headed trannie!"

"Screw-me doll."

"Nazi whore."

The two girls glared at each other and yelled at their respective boys, "Shinji/Kensuke, get up and defend my honor!"

The two boys were too worn out, one from running, and the other from being dragged, and couldn't even think of trying to fight someone.

"That will be enough you two. In case you've forgotten, we have a BIG problem." Ritsuko said, pressing a button on her remote.

Suddenly the monitor under their feet changed to show the white, red-lipped, flying MP evas breaking through the geo front.

"What the (rhymes with duck) are those things?" the four children exclaimed.

"Apparently, they're the remaining eva series, and they've come to destroy the base and initiate third impact." Ritsuko explained.

"Why would they do that? Isn't the purpose of eva to defeat the angels and prevent third impact?" Shinji asked.

"I'm afraid that's not the case in this situation." Ritsuko said, "besides, that video was from twenty minutes ago, they're actually already here."

The monitor changed again, showing a bunch of very confused evas scratching their heads; apparently, they hadn't been programmed to deal with a situation that didn't include flinging lances or making a tree of life.

"Well, what are we waiting for?" Asuka asked. "Let's go shove a Yule log up their ass, and go have a merry Christmas!"

"Exactly my opinion." Ritsuko said, straightening her glasses, "The order will be Asuka, then Rei, then Shinji."

"Why am I last?" Shinji asked.

"I can't answer that at this time. Now get your plug suits on and move out."

A few minutes later…

"Rei, are you sure it's all right for me to be sitting in the pilot's seat?"

"Since when did I say you could use my first name?" Rei asked in a threatening tone.

Kensuke gulped.

"I'm just kidding Kensuke," Rei laughed, "It is all right if I use your first name, right?"

"Of course," Kensuke replied nervously, "So, uh, how do I pilot this thing anyway?"

"Well, first, the LCL is poured in," Rei said, finding it strange that the yellow liquid hadn't filled the plug yet, "Then, you wait for the locks to be released, then the catapult launches, then," Rei paused and climbed to the front of the plug and seated herself in Kensuke's lap, "you grab a hold of these two large sticks and," Rei pushed herself back as far as she could against the embarrassed Kensuke, "then you just push and pull them back and forth," Rei demonstrated this by pushing and pulling the control sticks back and forward, rocking her whole body with each pull or push. "Now, you are paying attention right?"

"Huh, uh, yeah!" Kensuke said with a pig-in-shit look on his face.

Rei chuckled to herself; she could feel his "attention." "Now, while your pushing or pulling, focus on what you want to do." She stood up and turned around, then sat in Kensuke's lap, this time facing him with her leg wrapped around him and the back of the pilot's seat. "So Kensuke, what is that you want to do?" Rei asked, pressing her chest as close to his face as possible.

"Uh, Rei, you're starting to scare me." Kensuke said as he watched the normally quiet and shy Rei try to seduce him. This was indeed getting quite freaky, and Kensuke gave a sigh of relief as Dr. Akagi's voice came on and said:

"Rei, I'm sorry, I just found out that we've only been able to purify enough LCL for two plugs, and Asuka and Shinji have already had theirs filled, you can eject and exit the plug if you want."

"Oh, well thanks for the lesson Rei, but it looks like we'll have to leave." Kensuke said as he mentally said thanks to every deity he could think of.

"I don't think so Mr. Aida," Rei said pushing herself against the terrified nerd, "The night's still young, and we're alone in these tight plug suits." She started to unzip her plug suit, when she took a good look into Kensuke's eyes. He was absolutely terrified.

Rei sighed to herself; she had done it again. She didn't know why, but since she had hit puberty, she had the most overwhelming sex drive. This made it almost impossible to have a good relation ship with anyone, let alone nice guys like Shinji or Kensuke, guys who made her exceptionally turned on. This of course meant that her drive was never met, and it just kept compounding. Since Shinji had gotten here, she had been going crazy, she had even tried to get him to take advantage of her by pretending she hadn't heard his knocking and then "falling" with out a stitch of clothing on (episode five is lying I tell you! The slap Shinji received was for a whole different reason). She looked again at Kensuke. He was extremely nice, and he probably wasn't trying to get things going this soon. Still, she wasn't going to just let him leave her, she liked him, besides, another restraining order would really be annoying. She would have to come up with a quick excuse.

"Aida, I'm very sorry, I've never been asked out before (true) and I don't know how to react (true). I mean, I never knew my parents (half-truth) so the only people I've had to teach me the ways of life are the commander, Dr. Akagi, and the major (unfortunately true). And I'm just so lonely some times," she started sobbing, "I just wanted you to like me (kind of true). I'll understand if you don't want to go out with me (HA HA HA, lie of the century)." With that, Rei pushed the ejection button, stood up and started to turn the lever to open the hatch.

Suddenly, she felt Kensuke's hand on her shoulder.

"Rei, there's nothing to be sorry about. In fact I'm sorry if you felt you had to do anything to make me happy, I'm just glad to be able to spend time with you." Kensuke said, "and for what it's worth, I do want to go out with you."

Rei suddenly turned around, no tears to be found quite surprisingly, and gave him a gentle embrace followed by a quick peck. "Thank you Kensuke, I'm glad to hear you say that. Now let's go and see how the others are doing." Inside her mind however, this was the conversation: "must, resist, temptation, a while longer!"

With that, the two stepped out of the plug, Kensuke stunned at his first kiss, and went to watch the main monitor.

Meanwhile…

Shinji sat in the plug, tirelessly waiting to launch. The reason? First off, he was worried about Asuka and Rei getting hurt. Secondly, He wanted to get this done and over with so he could go home with Asuka, maybe say the words that kept getting cut off, and get some sleep so he could go to school tomorrow. But most importantly, he wanted to launch so he would stop hearing the damn comments of the drunken NERV staff.

"You remember that time we made Shinji go fishing in the LCL?"

"Oh yeah! He was at it for like two days before Maya finally told him there were no fish in the LCL."

"What an idiot!"

"You remember the time we locked Shinji in the female locker room and did'nt unlock it till Akagi, Misato, and Asuka were using it?"

"Who could forget? Asuka beat his ass and kicked him out of there without a stitch of clothing on his body!"

Shinji gritted his teeth.

"You remember that time we strapped Shinji to the catapult and kept making it go up and down?"

"You know it! That boy pissed his pants and screamed like a girl!"

Shinji's face started getting an angry twitch.

"Hey, Shinji!" said one of the techs, "how bout you get us something from the vending machine?"

Another tech started to sing "stairway to heaven."

Shinji gripped the control sticks as tightly as he could.

"Launching unit 02!"

Shinji gulped and said, "good luck Asuka"

Inside the geofront…

The Nine smiling Evas had their smiles grow larger as they heard the sound of an Eva catapult arrive right in front of them. When it popped out of the elevator, the eight who hadn't thrown their swords/lances tossed prepped to throw. The red eva had no chance to dodge as eight lances skewered it.

At NERV…

Akagi gasped as she watched the monitor. There were no life signs.

"Dr. Akagi, is Asuka okay?" Shinji asked desperately.

No response.

"Dr. Akagi, what happened to Asuka?"

"Shinji, there are no life signs coming from Unit 02." Ritsuko said, trying to hide her emotions.

"Asuka." Shinji said in disbelief. She couldn't be gone, it wasn't conceivable! He had never told her…and now he would never get a chance. She couldn't be gone, it wasn't conceivable! He had never told her…and now he would never get a chance. She couldn't be gone, it wasn't conceivable! He had never told her…and now he would never get a chance. She couldn't be gone, it wasn't conceivable! He had never told her…and now he would never get a chance. She couldn't be gone, it wasn't conceivable! He had never told her…and now he would never get a chance.

Shinji kept thinking this same line for quite some time.

"Hey you remember that time that Misato switched Shinji's underwear with Asuka's panties?"

"That was so funny, she pantsed him right in front of that red head, and Asuka just went to town on his ass!"

"Yeah, Asuka's such a bitch."

Shinji's blood started boiling. How dare they talk about Asuka that way! Especially after, after, after…the rage consumed him and a giant explosion rocked the cage.

Meanwhile, on top of the giant Christmas cake…

Kaworu opened his eyes slowly. He got up and looked around the cake. He then noticed that everyone, with the exception of Dingus, who was still passed out from seeing Lilly in the nude, was gone! He then noticed there was a hole in the cake. He leaned close to inspect it, when all of a sudden…

"OH! HI SANTA'S BROTHER!" Exclaimed an enthusiastic Lilly, "oh, did I scare you? I'm sorry, I didn't mean to. Is Dingus still out cold? I didn't think seeing me without clothes would do that to him."

Kaworu caught his heart, and, after breaking for a minute, responded to her inquires. "You scared the shit out of me, it's okay, yes he's still out, and…" Kaworu almost got another nosebleed picturing what Dingus saw, "Where are the others?"

"OH! So glad you asked! Me and the other elves were hungry, so we ate out a tunnel in the cake! It was really good, and now we can get down."

"This cake is six hundred feet tall, that's impossible." Kaworu said.

"OH! Don't worry, it's not straight down."

A few minutes and a woken up Dingus later…

Kaworu had to admit; the clones had done an impressive job. The path coiled all the way to the bottom, so at no point was the group in danger of falling. At the bottom, the other clones were still gnawing at the doorway, amazingly still hungry.

"I can't believe they're still hungry." Kaworu said.

"OH! Well they just started a bit ago, after I ate the tunnel; I let them eat the door."

"Where does she put it?" Kaworu thought.

"Wow Lilly! You must weigh a ton!" Dingus said tactlessly.

Kaworu shook his head. He knew his brother didn't have any experience with the opposite sex, but come on, everyone knew you didn't talk to a woman about her weight when she was standing right in front of you! He covered his ears to block out the sound of screaming or slapping that was sure to come from the pink haired, big-eared girl.

Lilly just smiled. "Oh, not that much Santa, I have a fast metabolism." Seeing that Dingus was confused about that comment, she jumped at him, and quickly wrapped herself around him

"See, I'm not heavy at all!" She then dropped down and ran over to a huge hole next to them.

"OH! You guys! Come look at this! I found the reindeer, and, hey, what's that big orange light?"

Meanwhile, inside the geo front…

The mass-produced evas stood around, not knowing what to do again, when all of a sudden, a giant purple eva, with orange wings came up through the ground. It's eyes blazed with energy, and the ground was torn up as it's sheer power ripped across it. The white evas smiled with exceptional glee; the end was about to come. They readied to extend their lances, when they suddenly remembered that the lances were stuck in the red eva. One of them ran over to unit-02 and tried to pull a lance out.

"RRRRRRRRRAAAAAAAAAAAAAGARGAAHGAHR!!!" Unit 01 bellowed as charged with a speed it had never before possessed.

The eva who was trying to get its lance back turned to face the rampaging eva, only to open its mouth in horror as Unit 01 pushed both of its hands into it and pulled the eva in half lengthwise. The purple Eva the proceeded to stomp both halves of the eva flat, destroying the thing's S2 engine in the process. It then walked over and started to remove the lances one by one from its fallen comrade. Another Eva, having not learned from the example its sibling had made, charged over to Unit 01, with the intention of getting him in a headlock. Unit 01 turned around, and, with a lance it had just extracted, skewered it. The purple eva then took the lance, with the smiling eva still attached, and ran another eva through, after which he slammed the lance and two eva into a side of the geo front.

"What the (bleep)? Since when could he do that?" exclaimed one of the remaining eva series.

"Since when the (bleep) could we talk?" asked another.

Seeing Unit 01 shove the long end of a lance right up another of its sibling's arse and up through its mouth, another said, "I don't know about you (bleepers) but I'm getting the (bleep) out of here!" He then tried to fly off, but Unit 01 ripped one of its wings off and pummeled the eva to a bloody pulp with it.

"Why do we keep censoring ourselves?" asked another, "we should be able to say fu…" he was interrupted as Unit 01 ripped his head and spinal chord out.

The remaining three Evas flew towards the opening in the ceiling, but were quickly followed by Unit 01 with its orange wings outstretched. It grabbed hold of one of the stragglers and flung it right into a weapons cache, which shattered its skull. Unit 01 then pulled out its progressive knife and flung it with amazing accuracy and speed. The knife went straight through another Eva's head causing it to stop flapping its wings and smash into the city below. Unit 01 then sped towards the remaining eva and shoved a flat hand through the white eva's body, which made the eva disintegrate into a pile of dust.

At the Tokyo 3 airport…

"Wait, did that purple robot just steal my move?" Alucard asked.

Suddenly, a silver tea tray smacked against his head.

"Just get on the damn plane Alucard." Integra said, still mad about Alucard charging his plane tickets on her account.

Back at the geo front…

Unit 01 descended to the earth and rushed to Unit 02. It quickly extracted the last lance that held the red eva and cradled the defeated unit in its arms.

"Asuka," Shinji said, tears streaming down his face, "Asuka, I never told you, I never told you, I'm so sorry Asuka."

"Shinji…" Ritsuko said. "There's something you…"

"Leave me alone!" Shinji screamed. "This is all yours and NERV's fault, how could you make children like us protect the world, you all make me sick!"

"But Shinji…"

"I don't want to hear it! Children like us shouldn't have to be fighting! We should be going to school, hanging out, going on dates, not fighting against giant monsters!" Shinji started sobbing even louder as he thought of how he would never be able to do any of the things he had mentioned with Asuka.

"Listen to me Shinji."

"NO! YOU LISTEN TO ME!" screamed Shinji, "If you say one more god damn word, I will wreck the entire base! So just leave me and Asuka alone." He willed Unit 01 to hold Unit 02 in a tight embrace, "I love you Asuka, I couldn't say it before, but at least I can say it now."

"What are you doing to my Unit 02 third child?"

Shinji looked up from his sobbing, "Asuka? How?"

"Stop your crying Shinji! For a boy, you're a real crybaby, you know!" Asuka said.

"But Ritsuko said there were no life signs!"

"Of course there were'nt! Those idiots launched my Eva without me! Otherwise, I would have beaten those Evas in no time with my superior piloting skills!"

"So it's over, we can go home now?" Shinji asked, happy that Asuka was all right.

"And get ready for school tomorrow," Asuka added bitterly, "I swear, why do Japanese schools put such an emphasis on going during the holidays?" She then clicked the PA system, and said, "I heard what you said Shinji, I love you too."

"HOLY SHIT! SHE ACTUALLY SAID IT!" the entire Nerv staff exclaimed before breaking into fits of laughter.

Asuka looked around, completely embarrassed. "I thought that message was private!"

"Sorry Asuka, that was the button to make an announcement to the entire base." Ritsuko informed.

Shinji chuckled inside Unit 01.

"And what are you laughing at third child? When you get out of there, I'll…" she suddenly slammed down the speaker and steamed.

"Shinji, you can come in now." Ritsuko said.

"Okay, but what about these wings?" Shinji asked.

"Well, I don't really know…wait a sec…what the hell?" Ritsuko exclaimed, "wave pattern blue! An angel! **Cue angel battle music** Behind you Shinji!"

Shinji turned around, and was quite surprised at what he saw. Floating at eye level was a group of kids, all who looked about his age. They were all albinos, with two males both who looked quite similar, with the exception that one was taller and wider than the other, had black hair and a scar, but more interestingly were five females dressed in elf costumes that, with the exception of the one with pink-hair and big ears, looked like someone who Shinji knew very well.

"Rei?"

"OH! You must have met our sister! Sorry, I forgot to introduce myself, you can call me Lilly, me and my sisters, who haven't found names yet, Do you know any good names for them? Because I've been thinking about "Mary," "Sue," "Hermione," and "George." She went over to one of the Rei clones and gave her a hug, "I think I will call you George, because you're just so huggable!" She then hugged the other clones. "OH! Your all just so huggable!"

Shiinji was confused and scratched his head. Since his synch ratio was still hanging around 100, Unit 01 scratched its head as well.

"You'll have to excuse Lilly, she's…well…I'm not really sure. My name is Kaworu by the way." The smaller of the two male albinos said, "and this is my brother, Dingus." Kaworu said, indicating the larger albino, "And he and Lilly have this notion that he's Santa Claus, really strange, we'll be going now, have a Merry Christmas!" He then added to Lilly, "okay, let's go!"

"But Kaworu," protested Dingus, "We haven't even asked him about pulling the sleigh!"

"Dingus, did you see what he did to the evas? Aren't you worried about that happening to us?"

"But he has wings! He's the only one who can do it!" Dingus exclaimed.

"Dingus, for the love of god! He made a suckling pig out of an eva! Hell, he's still covered in blood!" Kaworu said, indicating the blood soaked Unit 01 that still had the crimson liquid pouring down its armor.

"We could at least ask." Dingus said.

Kaworu started shaking his brother. "Dingus, I don't want to get butt-raped by a lance of Longinus!"

"Excuse me, but what is it that you want to ask?" Shinji inquired.

"OH! So glad you asked! We need to deliver the presents, but our reindeer went bad, and we need someone to pull us! What's your name?"

Shinji still didn't know what to make of this odd bunch, but he didn't see any harm in answering, so he said, "Shinji Ikari."

"OH! That name is really cool! OH! _Shinji Ikari, with your wings of light, will you guide our sleigh tonight?"_

Shinji was stunned. He started wondering if he had died from the eggnog, and the past few hours had been some weird kind of purgatory. Still, the whole lot of them seemed really nice, so what the hell? At least it would probably be fun. He stepped over to them and turned around, allowing them to attach some reins.

"Shinji!" Ritsuko exclaimed, "What are you doing? One of them is an angel!"

"They seem nice. By the way, do you know why five of them look like Rei?" Shinji asked. Hearing only silence, Shinji started to fly upwards with the albinos in tow.

As they reached the airspace above Tokyo 3, Lilly suddenly exclaimed, "OH! This is bad! Really bad! It's already 11:50!"

"Why is that so bad, Lilly?" Shinji asked as he hovered the group over the city.

"Because all the presents have to be delivered by midnight! Otherwise, me and Dingus will disappear!" Lilly said with out her normal bubbliness.

"Lilly, are you okay?" Kaworu asked, "You called Dingus by his name and you didn't say "OH."

Lilly suddenly started pounding on her head. "Got to think, got to think, I don't want to disappear, but there's no way the second sephiroth can fly fast enough!"

Dingus suddenly came up and held her. He then said, "Shinji, fly into space."

"You want me to what?"

"Don't worry, we'll all be fine, just please, do it!" Dingus said with authority.

Still wondering if this was all just a bad dream or demented afterlife, Shinji shot up and kept climbing higher and higher in the sky, till they broke out of the atmosphere and were floating above the blue sphere we call Earth.

11:57 P.M.

Dingus spread his hands out and snapped them, instantly, presents started descending upon every person on the planet.

11:58 P.M.

Keele spoke to the black monoliths in front of him. "And so, I might have kind of sorta, by complete accident, sent the Eva series out to initiate third impact, ruining the scenario which we've carefully constructed over the past decade and a half. And Ikari's son might have kind of destroyed the Evas beyond recovery, but there's a good reason, I tell you!"

"Keele today we have seen the destruction of our plans. I believe I speak for the rest of the committee when I say that we have no choice but to…oh a present, I wonder who could have sent it?" one of the monoliths said.

All the other voices of the black monoliths started mentioning that they had received presents as well.

Keele looked on his desk and noticed a present on his desk. He unwrapped it revealing a large metal object with lots of wires and a timer that displayed 5…4…3…2 "I wonder what it's counting down to," thought Keele.

Two seconds later, the group known as SEELE ceased to exist.

11:59 (30 seconds remaining)

Dingus sat down exhausted, all the presents had been delivered.

"OH! I guess we'll be okay!" Lilly said, "That was good thinking Santa!"

"Lilly, who are you? Really?" Kaworu asked.

Lilly hugged Kaworu tight and whispered, "Well Tabris, you could say I'm…" She suddenly stopped, she couldn't feel Kaworu! She looked at her arms. They were disappearing! She looked over at Dingus who was down to only his upper torso! "How? Everyone on Earth got a present. This can't be happening!" She collapsed as her lower torso disappeared.

10 seconds remaining

Lilly was down to only her neck and head and Dingus was down to his head and a right arm.

"Okay, quick, everyone on Earth received a present, so who still needs one?"

Shinji had been listening, still stunned that any of this was happening, and thought of something, he still hadn't received a present, because he wasn't on Earth!

5 seconds remaining

"I haven't got a present yet!" Shinji exclaimed.

"Quick, Dingus! Make a present for Shinji!" Lilly said before her mouth disappeared.

Though all that remained of the boy was a right hand, it snapped its fingers and disappeared, leaving a small package.

Midnight.

Though joy spread across the world from the amazing gifts, only sadness existed above the earth, the clones and Kaworu cried their hearts out over the loss of the pair. Shinji cried as well, though he hadn't known them very well, they seemed like really good people. He started to drift down to Earth with the group being held in his Unit's AT field. Unfortunately, at that moment, the orange wings disappeared, sending the whole lot of them plummeting towards the ground. Kaworu quickly grabbed a hold of the clones and held them tight as…something teleported them to a little outside of NERV head quarters.

"How did we get here?" Asked Shinji as he found himself out side of his Eva, standing next to it.

"Good question." Kaworu replied.

Suddenly, the whole staff of NERV appeared and raised them up on their shoulders.

"What's going on?" Shinji asked.

"Shinji, we have no idea what happened up there, but everything is all right! The ice caps are back, so all the land that was lost during second impact has returned! Not only that, but all these presents came down, and everyone is filled with holiday cheer like an old Christmas special!"

They put the group down, and Asuka, Rei, Kensuke, Gendo, and Ritsuko rushed out to meet him. Asuka quickly hugged him and planted a kiss on his lips.

"Shinji, you won't believe it! The gift you said you were going to give me came! But there were two passes!" Asuka then whispered in his ear, "Want to share some hot springs?"

Shinji blushed and Rei and Kensuke came forward.

"Ikari, I'm sorry for the incident at your apartment, I was merely playing a joke on pilot Sohryu." She then added in a much more lively voice, "it was pretty damn good though, wasn't it?"

Shinji nodded slightly and received a slap on the back of his head.

Rei chuckled while Kensuke looked confused. "I'm sorry pilot Sohryu, I must seem to be quite a "bitch" as you might say. I hope this will be a good peace offering." She then placed two tickets into the redhead's hands.

"What are these wonder girl?" Asuka asked.

"They're plane tickets to the Bahamas," Rei explained, "I've come into possession of a house there and was wondering if you and Ikari would like to come to my house warming."

"But Rei, how did you afford this?" Shinji asked, "Besides, don't we have school?"

"Your father gave me the house and the tickets as a gift. Also, a giant cake landed on our school, so I doubt we will be able to attend for quite some time. The plane leaves in a week, so go to the spa with Sohryu and have a good time." Rei said before walking off with a surprised Kensuke.

Shinji was extremely surprised. He was even more surprised when his father gave him a hug.

"Shinji! I'm so sorry for how I've acted all these years," Gendo sobbed, "Though its not much, I would like to try to make it up to you by giving you a residence wherever you wanted and a few million dollars too. You too Asuka."

"Father, isn't that illegal?" Shinji asked, realizing that his father could'nt possibly afford that.

"Do you know how much money there is just for paint? A few million won't matter."

Shinji decided to just drop the subject and ask his father, "Why are you doing this?"

"Shinji, I've been a horrid person, abandoning you, making you fight against giant monsters, and I just want to try and be a better father." He then put his arms behind his back and said, "Shinji, you must still have a lot of hate for me, so please hit me."

"Father…" Shinji said, "Thank you." He then proceeded to punch Gendo in the balls until he was satisfied. Ritsuko gave him the thumb's up, and then tended to her fallen lover.

Shinji walked over to Kaworu and the clones who were trying to join in the merriment of the NERV staff, but still felt extremely sad over their loss.

"Kaworu, are you going to be okay?" Shinji asked.

"You know, I never told Dingus that I loved him. He was my own brother, and I took him for granted. I just wish he knew that I cared about him. He used to always act so stupid, but it always made me laugh, even when he got hurt, he would just laugh it off so I wouldn't worry. And now, right after he does something that he always wanted to do and meets someone who loves him, he had to die? How is that fair?" Kaworu exploded in tears and hugged Shinji who pat him on the back.

"OH! Don't cry!"

Everyone in the geo front looked up. Floating above them was a pink haired albino with big ears, and a large albino who no longer had black hair or a scar.

"OH! Attention everyone! I just wanted to say Merry Christmas! Also, there aren't going to be anymore attacks from our siblings."

Lilly then descended to the ground with Dingus and then walked over to Kaworu and Shinji. "You see, me and Dingus are the 21st and 20th angel respectively. I'm the angel of Joy, and Dingus is the angel of good will!" Seeing that everyone was confused, she sighed and hugged Shinji. "Let's just put it this way, because of your help, there's going to be peace among the angels for quite some time."

Asuka was about to slap Shinji and call him a pervert, but stopped as she too received a tight embrace. "Your race was my greatest creation," Lilly whispered, "Your ability to love is just so wonderful! Plus, breasts are just so beautiful!"

Asuka freaked out as the big-eared girl rested her head on her breasts. Lilly then raised her head back up and whispered into her ear, "I saw the gift you got Shinji. It was very nice! Here," said Lilly as she pressed the locket into Asuka's hands, "give it to him. And Asuka, you were one of my favorite children to watch grow up, and you've developed into quite the young lady." She kissed Asuka on the cheek and walked on over to Kaworu.

"Tabris, you no longer are burdened by Adam's powers, you are free to live as you see fit. Please take good care of the others," Lilly said, indicating the clones. She then turned to walk away.

"Wait," Kaworu said, "how do you know my angel name? How can you be an angel? How is Dingus an angel?"

Lilly smiled, "A mother knows everything about her children, even when their souls are from someone who she never got a long with till now." She said grabbing Dingus's hand.

"But..."

"Souls can be split more ways than one, angel of free will."

Dingus then went to Kaworu and hugged him.

"I love you too, Kaworu."

Kaworu hugged him back. "Dingus, where are you two going?"

"The moon! I wonder if it tastes like cheese? Seeing Kaworu get sad, he added, "Don't worry, we'll come back every Christmas."

Lilly and Dingus then held each other and kissed as they flew to their new home on the moon.

In a small Colorado town, a boy looked up at the sky and said, "Dude, this is really (bleeped up)!

THE END

Author's note: Phew…that was a long last chapter! But, it's finally done.

Kaworu: Yep, five days after Christmas, you really hurried didn't ya? I mean at least you could have turned in some quality work.

Well, I tried to do my best.

K: If this is your best, I fear your worst. By the way, care explaining things to me?

Sure, but make it quick.

K: Where do me and the clones go?

Since Shinji made his dad unable to bear children, Gendo and Ritsuko adopted you, and you live as one big happy family inside the geo front, also, you still are the only man in the clones' lives.

K: Nice.

Indeed. (considering they think of you as a brother only, and never have a romantic relationship with you).

K: Okay, what about Shinji and Asuka, and Rei and Kensuke?

Asuka gave him the locket and Shinji gladly accepted it, their currently quite the item, though they're taking it slow and are planning to wait till their married.

K: BS!

Well, that's what they're saying now, but it's only been a day. Rei is having trouble keeping her hands off Kensuke, but she managed to go on a date without sexually assaulting him. She also decided to stop running her Pachinko parlors and sold to her Yakuza friends for a tidy ten million. She's currently planning her house warming.

K: Okay, what about the Evas?

The souls were released, and now the are on display, there were three white evas that regenerated, but they were defeated by Godzilla and Ultraman

K: That is the lamest way to grant a reviewer's request.

I'm really sorry, I'll make a deleted scene if its requested.

K: Speaking of deleted, what happened to Misato?

Oh, (bleep), I thought I forgot something.

Quick scene…

Misato woke up in a daze, she could'nt see very well and had a terrible hangover.

Ah, it looks like the drunken beauty is up.

"Quiet disembodied voice, now, where did the Piñata go?"

Misato, I had to teleport you out, you almost shot Asuka and Shinji, by the way, there was no Piñata.

Why am I in this…

Mascot Costume? I warned you that if you didn't stop, I would make you pay.

Misato stood up and started walking. It was really stuffy inside the costume, but she didn't have the coordination to remove it. She kept walking until she saw a familiar face.

"Aoba! How's it going?"

Aoba turned and faced the roaring Hello Kitty mascot. Hadn't he already dealt with this sick bastard? He quickly pulled his side arm out and fired a barrage at the cat. When he saw the cat run, he followed after, firing his gun while he ran.

Misato collapsed as a bullet hit her in the leg.

If you want, I can spare you. All you have to do is promise to be a better guardian.

"(bleep) you, those to hate me anyway."

No they don't. They just don't appreciate how you treat them. Tell you what, I'll cure your STD's and make sure the baby doesn't have any defects.

"I'm pregnant? But I always take the pill!"

Those were tic tacs.

"So all I have to do is be a good mother and guardian?"

Yes, and I'll be checking in, so don't try anything.

"Well, uh," the sound of Aoba getting closer made her hurry up, "YES! OKAY! I'LL BE A GOOD GUARDIAN!"

She suddenly found herself in a hospital bed, not knowing how she got there, her roommate being Kaji.

"It sucks being a part time mascot doesn't it?" asked Kaji.

End of scene…

Kaworu: wow, that was vindictive. Who's the dad?

**Whisper**

K: wow, that, uh, wow. Well, okay, what about my punishment? You said you were going to get me.

I've given up on that. You know what? I've never heard a Stradivarius before, if you play a tune, we'll call it even

K: all right. OW!!! OH MY (bleeping) god!

Ah, the classic string breaking on the violin.

K: you (bleeping) bastard! I hope you rot in hell!

Here, I'll fix your eye.

K: you sick (bleep)!

Look, if I write a fic where there's an Asuka and you pairing, will that make it up?

K: uh, not too many people write those, um, sure. I think I'll just leave.

Finally, seriously, I'm sorry it took so long. This story was a lot of fun for me to write, and I hope you enjoyed it. Please review, I can take some flames. Anyway, have a good new year! Ah…now to relax and, (cell phone) oh, Mr. Krueger…uh…yeah, I realize I need to get another chapter off for your crossover. No, I don't want you to visit me in my sleep. Yes, I'll get right on it. (cell phone) Hi Saul, wait, you want to be called Ian? No, I haven't written any chapters yet.

"OH! Goodbye. See you soon!"


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